Jeremy Eaton

YA KNOW, sometimes you hear news that just makes your brain pack up its bags and take a wee trip to the Land of Drooly Nod. The news for this week is that fancypants movie director Ang Lee (best known for his film Hidden Tiger, Cinching Underpants or something like that) is in negotiations to direct a movie version of--brace yourself!--The Incredible Hulk! Now is that a marijuana freak-out or WHAT?!? I fawking LOVE the Incredible fawking Hulk!

Now for those of you who were too busy nerding out on calculus to read comic books, The Incredible Hulk is about this skinny-ass scientist, Dr. Bruce Banner, who gets all blowed up in a nuke explosion. But! Instead of dying, he finds that whenever he gets his panties into a wad, he turns into a big stupid green tub of muscles called the Hulk. And while Bruce Banner is all about trying to find a cure for his affliction, the Hulk is all about hopping around, tipping over buildings, and screaming, "HULK WILL SMASH!!" See? He's like a one-man frat party!

So you can imagine my squealing delight when the Hulk became a TV show. Airing from 1977 to 1982, The Incredible Hulk starred Bill Bixby (as Banner) and half-pint, hearing-impaired muscle man Lou Ferrigno (as the Hulkster). However! There were some basic differences between the comic and the show: For instance, in the series, Bixby's character name was changed from Bruce to David, because the producer thought Bruce sounded too gay! I mean really! A name sounding gay?! That's like saying "Wm.™ Steven" sounds gay! HA! And that's ridiculous, right? 'Cause it doesn't sound gay at all! Right? am I right, guys? Ahem. Anyway. Another difference is that in the comic book, Banner would change into the Hulk after dropping a hammer on his toe. However, in the series, Banner would Hulkify only under the most extreme circumstances--for example: getting the crap kicked out of him; being hit by a car; electrocution; sinking in quicksand; being attacked by a bear; or (my personal favorite) getting caught in a printing press. But when the change did happen? Whoo-whee! Look out! Bill Bixby would start shaking! Then he would quickly pop green contacts into his eyes! Then all his clothes would rip apart (except, of course, for Hulk's favorite pair of shredded trousers)! Then he would grow this really horrid green haircut! Then before you knew it--poof! The not-so-gay-sounding David Banner would miraculously grow humongous green muscles, shrink six inches in height, and develop a speech impediment that restricted him from screaming, "HULK WILL SMASH!!" Then he'd go about his business, throwing crooks into stacks of cardboard boxes, kicking over mobile homes, or occasionally wrestling a bull. The end.

So, as you can probably tell, I'm happier than a monkey in a crap-throwing competition about the new Ang Lee version! How will things change? What will be different? Will the Hulk still be green? And most importantly, will his alter ego still be called Bruce? I hope so, 'cause I can't wait to hear Hulk scream, "GODDAMMIT! HULK NOT GAY!!"