Jeremy Eaton

Want to hear me lambast Vince McMahon, the King of the World Wrestling Federation? Then pack up and head out, because I LOVES ME SOME VINCE McMAHON! And while my television tastes are far too sophisticated and varied to watch only WWF wrestling shows, rest assured--my ass is on the couch every Saturday morning with a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, checking out WWF LIVEWIRE (TNN, 10 a.m.).

As you probably know, LIVEWIRE is an hour-long wrap-up of the week's greatest matches, featuring hair pulls and wrestlers being run over by cars (highly recommended!). Anyway, last Saturday, just after witnessing the 400 lb. Rikishi smother The Rock with his 200 lb. ass, I saw a commercial for Vince McMahon's newest "sports entertainment" project--the XFL (Extreme Football League)--and I gotta tell ya folks, my nose spewed Cocoa Puffs like a volcano in Pompeii!

Needless to say, I rushed to the font of all modern knowledge, the WORLD WEB INTRANET, to find out more about this so-called new football league. As it turns out, the XFL (debuting February 3 on NBC at 8 p.m.) was started by Vince McMahon himself, in retaliation against the NFL--which he likes to call the "No Fun League." Apparently, Vince figured there were too many goddam safety rules in the game, too many overpaid players, and perhaps most importantly, not enough cameras inside the cheerleaders' locker rooms.

So Vince set up his own football league, and it sports a few major differences. There are eight different teams in the league, with only one owner--you guessed it, VINCE McMAHON! That means no more needless bitching and moaning by the star players, 'cause everybody gets paid a poopy, paltry $45,000 a season. Another difference between the XFL and the NFL is in the rules or lack thereof. So that means no more "fair catches" on punts, no quarterback slides, and less time between plays--all insuring that players will end up in the hospital more quickly than ever before!

Another improvement over the stoopid NFL will be live cameras in every nook and cranny (i.e., the players' "crannies" and the cheerleaders' "nooks"), including cameras in the huddle, on the refs, and in the locker rooms. And best of all, here's the change practically everyone has been waiting for: The players will finally be allowed to date the cheerleaders. That's right! No roofies needed!

Now you're probably screaming, "Hold up just a minute, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me! I was under the distinct impression that you HATED football! Am I once again the fool?" No way, San Jose! I do hate the game of football, with a passion that burns only slightly less than my bungy after eating a spicy Gordita fiesta at Taco Bell. However! If we are ever going to get rid of this infernal game, we need to loosen the rules a bit to make sure the players will eventually be killed off. So, while I agree with some of Vince's changes, why stop there? Do these players really need helmets? And why can't certain players pack Tasers? And what real harm would occur if, once during every quarter, the ball were to suddenly explode with enough power to take off a couple of fingers? Take heed, Mr. McMahon! 'Cause that's what I call "entertainment"!