Jeremy Eaton

Here's where I get all philosophical and shit.

Ya know, a TV season is not unlike the life span of a human: It is born, it develops acne, it dies. However! Just like your father suddenly buying a new Corvette, TV seasons also experience what is known as the "midlife crisis." That's when a TV season gets tired of the crappy shows it loved so much in the fall and turns its eye in the spring to new, hot, sexy shows with big, juicy booties. Then it's "Bye-bye-bye!" to the old, and "Yooo-hooo! C'mere big fella!" to the new.

Let's take this TV season for example! Remember last fall? There were so many sparkling new shows, and each one looked like a dewy droplet on the tip of a newborn's penis. And then came the freezing gales of winter! The ebullient mood began to sour, and what were once dewy droplets took on the look of yellowed, cankerous pustules. Shows that were once the apple of their fathers' eyes (Deadline, The Michael Richards Show, Normal, Ohio) quickly turned into cow apples--and trust me, a cow apple is something you most definitely do not want in your eye.

Faced with such bitter failures, the TV season struggled to regain the youth it once had, and did so by killing off its failures and sidling up next to what people like to call "midseason replacements." These shows debut sometime between February and March, and are designed to be so sexy, average viewers will have no choice but to blow a wad in their pants and scream, "Glory hallelujah, my faith in the sanctity of television is hereby renewed!" So you wanna hear about some of the wad-blowing shows the networks have planned? I knew it. Your inquisitive nature is soooooo sexy.

Big Apple (CBS, debut date TBA)
Not to be confused with Cow Apple, this new series promises titillating tales from the NYPD, FBI, and organized crime. It stars Al Bundy (Ed O'Neill), Michael Madsen (the ear cutter-offer from Reservoir Dogs), and--be still my beating heart!--former New Kid on the Block Donnie Wahlberg! EEEEEEEEEEEE! I done died and gone to heaven!

The Lone Gunmen (FOX, debut date TBA)
Hey, you remember those dorks from The X-Files? Yeah, they were the three conspiracy theorists Mulder turned to whenever he got into a jam (and Scully turned to if she ever needed to see a computer geek with an erection). Anyhoo, from what I hear, this new series is steering clear of the paranormal, and rushing full steam ahead into spoofery. Will we tune in every week to see three nerds in a comedy? Well, we loved Square Pegs didn't we?

That's My Bush! (Comedy Central, debuts in April)
Trey Parker and Matt Stone (South Park) are at it again with this live-action sitcom about the Bush White House and I swear to Christ I'm not joking. Styled after classic sitcoms, That's My Bush! will have a fakey laugh track and a "wacky" next-door neighbor, and the Bush daughters will be incestuous lesbians. Y'know, I think I may just wanna watch this show!

Naturally, we'll be discussing more of the new shows in the coming weeks, but until then, remember: In TV seasons, just as in life, there is a time to live, a time to die; a time to sow, a time to reap; a time to gather cow apples, and a time to blow your wad.

I think we all know what time it is, don't we?