Jeremy Eaton

Before we get to today's main topic (sexual intercourse), I'd like to touch on the topic of Jennifer Lopez (a topic many would enjoy touching on). We all know that Ms. Lopez goes by the hiphop nickname "J. Lo." So I'm thinking, why does Jennifer get a hiphop nickname and not the rest of my homies? That's why I've taken to referring to everyone I know by their "J. Lo" name--and it's so simple, you can do it, too! Simply take the first letter of your first name, and the first syllable of your last name, and ka-BOING! You've got your "J. Lo" moniker! For example, George Bush is "G. Boo," the gorgeous Patrick Swayze is "P. Sway," and even stupid Kevin Costner sounds cooler when you refer to him as "K. Co." Trust me, by implementing the "J. Lo" method, you'll soon gain the respect of everyone in your clique. And that's a promise from me, "Dub. Hum."

Now what was I originally going to talk about? Oh, yeah! Today's topic: sexual intercourse! Well, as it turns out, I'm all for it. And so is television, because according to a new study from the Henry J. Kaiser Foundation (or "H. Kay," as I like to call him), sexual content is up, up, UP 12% since 1998! And while this may be cause for celebration, "H. Kay" isn't so happy. This is because a lot of those sexual situations involved teenagers (still, no problem there) and did not offer safe-sex information (which I think is bullshit, because I'm pretty goddam sure I saw Buffy slip a raincoat on Riley's winkie).

Regardless! The Kaiser Foundation (which I believe is a KRAUT name, is it not?) says, "Every time there is sex on TV, there is an opportunity to deliver useful information to young people." Now, while I agree this is good advice in theory, even "H. Kay" McKraut would have to admit that during certain sexual acts, it's a little hard to spread information when your mouth is full (if you know what I mean)! Still, this sex-crazed, goose-stepping Nazi rat bastard makes a valid point: While all that coital huffing and puffing is going on, why not yelp out a couple of useful bits of info, just to make sure the kids are learning something?

Example: Let's say you're watching Survivor, and Jerri and Colby start dry-humping underneath a dirty sleeping bag. Is it going to kill them to make passing mention that Australia's capital is Canberra, and the country's primary mineral reserves happen to include bauxite, bituminous or black coal, lead, and diamonds? And in fact, why stop there? If television is being asked to provide info during sexual acts, why can't we do the same at home? The next time you're riding the wild baloney pony, instead of annoying your neighbors with grunts and the sound of your noggin bouncing against the headboard, try tossing in the occasional educational nugget. "Hey, Miss Miss JOHNSON! (Pant! Pant!) The Federal Express guy unnnhh! drop--dropped off a pack age for y-y-you, and we'll bring it by as soon as we're fi-fi-fi-finished!!"

So remember folks, don't depend on TV to solve all your problems. Spreading information is everyone's responsibility. (And for your "information," I just had an orgasm. Whoopee!!)