Jeremy Eaton

Let the bells ring and confetti fall, because it's time to announce the winner of my "Pitch a Reality Show™ Contest™!"

As we all know, reality-show producers have money running out the ass--so why shouldn't money be running out your ass, too?! That's why I chose the best reality-show pitch out of all your contest entries, and sent it to the major networks with a letter, which explained why your idea is the greatest idea since hypnotized bees. The network executives will say, "Wow! You're right! It is a great idea! Here's a million bucks!" And even on the off-chance that they hate your stinking idea, you'll still receive 25 bucks cash and a personally autographed can of Hormel Chili. Hey! That's worth a network contract right there!

Now, before I announce my grand-prize winner, let's look at some samples from the runners-up. Andy, for example, suggests.

JOHNNY, ARE YOU QUEER?--"A woman is introduced to four guys. Each week, she goes out with one of them, and by the end of the date, she has to figure out if he's gay or not. If she guesses correctly, she moves on to her next date. If she's wrong, however, she has to marry him (gay or not) live on national TV, and sign a prenup with no hope of alimony or Playboy deals."

Good thinkin', Andy! Now, here's a juicy idea from runner-up Leslie Dustin.

CELEBRITY FAT FARM--"This Survivor-type fat-farm show stars Richard Simmons, [who leads] a team against Jane Fonda. The winning team would be the one that loses the most weight (combined). Participants would constantly have to resist temptation; for example, making their way through obstacle courses covered with DingDongs, potato chips, and vats of chocolate pudding."

Sounds delicious, Leslie! Let's see what my first runner-up, Chris Simons, has brought to the door.

DAMNATION ISLAND--"Six hundred and sixty-six born-again Christians are tricked into taking the 'God Is Love Boat' cruise to the Holy Land. On board, they are fed acid and reeducated into believing they are dirty sinners--so vile that even Jesus won't forgive them. They're dropped off on Komodo (a hot, barren rock full of 10-foot monitor lizards) and harassed by fat naked guys rubbed with red ochre, carrying pitchforks and wearing fake horns. They're given more acid, but no food or water. Who will survive?"

And here he is: the grand-prize winner of our contest, and the winner of 25 bucks and a can of Hormel Chili Robert Newell! Congrats Robert! I'm sure we'll be seeing you soon on Entertainment Tonight! Here's his idea.

BLAST!--"Contestants go to work in an L.A. police precinct. After a few days of boring desk work and sexual harassment, the contestants receive a cryptic note telling them that for the next 13 weeks, they're going to be on the LAPD's bomb squad! The team gets a 45-minute crash course in bomb-disarmament, and hockey gear as protection. Every week, the squad must respond to a new bomb scare in the greater Los Angeles area.

The season finale finds the remaining contestants dressed as cartoon characters, searching for a bomb hidden somewhere in Disney's new California Adventure theme park! (Don't worry: Contestants will be in no greater danger than a regular bomb squad.)"