Jeremy Eaton

Pig poop hits fan on Survivor! Tribal member trades morality for plate of baby-back ribs! Hello, I'm Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, and THIS is an I Love Television™ SPECIAL REPORT! (Chukka, chukka, chukka, chukka, chukka, chukka.)

Dateline: Australia! An epidemic of foot-stomping indignation has been sweeping the globe ever since a small wild pig was trapped and brutally skewered by a Kucha tribe member on the hit TV show Survivor. Apparently deciding that the chickens, eggs, and fish the tribe had been eating was not a sustainable diet, self-proclaimed tribe leader Michael Skupin strapped knife to stick and went hunting for the Other White Meat.

Success came to the balding computer programmer on the February 15 episode when a small, black feral pig wandered into the Kucha tribe's encampment. Looking like one of the cleaner contestants of an Appalachian greased pig chase, Michael set off in hot pursuit of the li'l oinker with spear in hand and the burning fire of bloodlust in his heart.

After cornering the animal, Michael proceeded to stab the beast with the ferocity of William Shatner kicking the boss Klingon off that cliff in the final scene of The Search for Spock ("I have had just about enough of YOU!"). And just to prove Michael has seen too many movies, he then painted his face with the pig's blood, as the rest of the tribe looked on with expressions of sheer revulsion--until they realized they would be having pork cutlets for dinner. Then they were okay with it.

Naturally, this episode of Aporkalypse Now didn't sit well with those who would rather not be reminded of where that heaping plate of li'l smokies sausage links comes from. Among the horrified were animal advocacy groups such as PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), whose sense of moral outrage is often so intense it forces its members to forget about the treatment of animals in order to get as much media attention as possible. PETA asked the Australian government to investigate the pigocide, claiming it's possible that producer Mark Burnett orchestrated the killing. (Which kind of makes sense; not even a pig would wander into a camp with Kimmi smelling the way she did!)

Naturally, CBS officials deny these accusations. "Hunting and fishing as a means of sustenance have been acceptable since the dawn of time," said CBS executives, right before they sacrificed a virgin on a great stone altar in order to increase ratings and assuage the anger of their mighty god, Kali.

Though the Australian government has promised to pursue an investigation, the charges will probably go nowhere, since most people think pigs are gross, and Australia is a country populated with criminals.

However! There are more than a few Survivor viewers who are hoping that the murdered pig will have the last laugh. Trichinosis and E. coli are but two of the long-term effects of mishandling pork, and if there is a god in piggy heaven, Michael will be soon be clutching his stomach in agony, racing to the can in an effort to outrun a wicked case of explosive diarrhea.

I'm Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, and THIS has been an I Love Television™ SPECIAL REPORT!