Today we will be talking about the scrotal sack, and--OHHHH, DON'T YOU GIVE ME THAT LOOK. You've been reading me for ages, so don't start rolling your eyes and whispering under your breath, "Oh, jeez. Here we go with the 'scrotal sack' again." You should know by now that if I decide to pontificate on ANY subject--be it the plight of transgendered lunchroom ladies in Somalia, or the aforementioned scrotal sack--then I must have something of merit to say. After all, who was the person who introduced you to the phrase "diaper gravy"? Well, you sure didn't hear it on your precious NPR! And who had the foresight to rename Temptation Island Gonorrhea Peninsula? Again, it certainly wasn't any of those dicks at The New Yorker! So when I say that today's column is all about scrotal sacks, I would appreciate a little less "eye-rolling" and a little more "aisle-rolling" IF you don't mind!
Thank you. Now. Where was I? Oh, YES! The "scrotal sack." According to MSNBC, a regular viewer of Three's Company on Nickelodeon's Nick at Nite was stunned when he watched an episode where John Ritter's scrotal sack fell out of his pants. For those of a tender age, Three's Company is the classic '70s sexcom starring Ritter as a horny bachelor who pretends he is gay in order to live with two foxy chicks. Recently, an eagle-eyed viewer was watching a rerun of this hallowed show, when oh, let's just let him tell it.
"Jack [Ritter] was dressed in blue boxers and plopped down on the bed and exposed some things that probably shouldn't be seen on television," said the intrepid viewer who immediately recognized the "things" in question as JOHN RITTER'S SCROTAL SACK.
Immediately, the man called up the Nick at Nite network executives and said something like, "Hey, did you know I just saw John Ritter's scrotal sack?" Naturally, the executives laughed--until they viewed the tape and they, too, saw JOHN RITTER'S SCROTAL SACK!
According to the execs, they were surprised by the scrotal exposure, especially since the episode had been shown "hundreds of times since the '80s." Let's picture that for a second. John Ritter's scrotal sack tumbling out of his shorts HUNDREDS of times.
Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Plop. Now multiply that by 50. See what I mean? That's a lot of sack.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE WORST PART! Now, Nick at Nite is actually going to remove the Scrotal Sack Scene! This, from a network that prides itself on preserving classic television! Would you remove the scrotal sack from Michelangelo's David? Would you whack the scrotal sack off Harvey Keitel when he was prancing around naked as a jaybird in The Piano? Okay, don't answer that. My point is, accidental scrotal showings play a VITAL role in television history and must be preserved at all costs! Write postmasterNAN@nickonline.com and let them know you care about television! Write them TODAY and tell them you want to SAVE JOHN RITTER'S SACK!!