Jeremy Eaton

You know, it's fascinating. Even though the ideas for most TV shows could just as easily have been thought up by a stage-four syphilitic donkey, somehow they still let network executives do the job. Even more fascinating, while these brain-addled retards are blowing money derived from these shows on a varied litany of cocaine, prostitutes, and Pokémon cards, creative people like you and me are eating Van Camp's Beanee Weenee and cramming flaming newspapers into our bottoms just to keep warm. AND THAT AIN'T RIGHT.

I mean, SERIOUSLY! Whose baloney do we blow to get a decent television show on the air? Example: The networks just came out with a preliminary list of this fall's upcoming shows, and let me tell ya--it might be a good time to start a new hobby. Like heroin. What follows is a few of the more egregious samples of network executives' syphilitic donkeyness (and rest assured, there will be others). Take, for example

GAY UNCLE (CBS) Okay, it's actually called Say Uncle, but within months everyone will be calling it Gay Uncle, and in this business it never hurts to be the first to make fun of something. Anyway! The plot: A successful gay man with expensive white furniture is suddenly put in charge of his filthy niece and nephew. So it's kind of like Full House, except the John Stamos character sucks dick.

Now, "anthropomorphism" is really "in" this year (along with not paying actors), which explains the next two entries:

SPEAK (ABC) The plot: a talking dog. And see? That's funny because well, dogs don't talk!! Get it??? Ha-HAAAAAAAAAAAA! Whooo. That's rich, all right.

BABY BOB (CBS) Have you seen that weird commercial for free Internet service? The one where they use computers to make this fat baby talk? Plot: It's the same baby, but he's not selling the Internet. HE'S FAWKING CREEPING ME OUT!!

Another big theme this year is teaming up rappers with really square honkies, because, see? Black people don't like white people and that's FUNNY!

THIEVES (ABC) Plot: Black person Tone-Loc teams up with extremely white person John Stamos in this comedy about a thief who goes to work for the government. Guess who the thief is? (Hint: It ain't the white guy.)

UNTITLED SISQÓ PROJECT (NBC) They have yet to come up with a suitably hilarious name for this show starring Sisqó (Thong-tha-tha-tha-THONG!) as a baseball stadium vendor who saves a kid and (naturally) is awarded his own sitcom. Serving as his honky foil, please welcome Bob "Oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen" Newhart. (You know folks, sometimes I only wish I were joking.)

And finally, where would the new fall season be without another spinoff of the terminally boring Law & Order series, this one called

LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT (NBC) Plot: Exactly like Law & Order and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, except COMPLETELY different! See, this one is called Law & Order: Criminal Intent, and it's all about this really boring lawyer who is a talking dog, and his gay uncle cop. And after the two of them rescue a computer-generated baby at a baseball game, they get their own sitcom, which features famous rappers as their criminal next-door neighbors. Oh, and did I mention they all ride syphilitic donkeys?