Last week, I had the pleasure of having close to 10,000 angry I Love Television™ readers chew deeply into my ass via e-mail. And they all were screaming something to this effect: "Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-me! It is with great anger that I just witnessed the Buffy the Vampire Slayer finale, in which Buffy saved the world by hopping off a 100-foot crane, thereby splitting open her noggin like a rotten pumpkin. How dare you, sir??? How dare you not warn us that this was not just a season finale, but in fact, a series finale! Buffy Summers is DEAD, and I blame YOU, you big dumb dick!! Love, a concerned reader."
You know, it's letters like these that make me question the day I became a celebrity. Had I known that I would one day be taking the rap for dead television characters, I may have kept my job pinching asses at the gas station. But alas! With fame also comes responsibility, and so I will attempt to put your fears to rest and answer your strident, accusatory questions regarding the SEASON finale of Buffy.
QUESTION 1: "Buffy is DEAD, and YOU KILLED HER, you big Dick McDickerson!" Okay, that's not a question. But we'll put that aside for the moment. While it's true that Buffy did croak in the last episode (with no help from ME, thankyouverymuch), she WILL be returning for another new season of shows.
QUESTION 2: "Whoopty-whoop, playa, whaaaaaa? She won't be 'returning' from shit! The WB clearly said it was the series finale, you murdering sonofabitch!" Again, I didn't kill Buffy. I'm just your average coke-addicted TV columnist with absolutely no power over who lives or dies in shows. Nevertheless! I have it on excellent authority from Joss Whedon himself (Buffy's creator) that Buffy WILL be back next season, but it will be on UPN (the dumb wrestling and Star Trek: Voyager channel) instead of the WB. So when the WB said it was the SERIES finale, they were just being assholes because the show was moving to UPN. See? They're the murderers, not ME!
QUESTION 3: "Oh, right. They're just going to miraculously pull Buffy out of her grave, wipe the dirt off her capris, and everything will suddenly be hunky-dory? Sounds to me like the sick rationalization of a homicidal maniac. She's DEAD, you disgusting pig. AND YOU KILLED HER!" Ohhhhh boy. Okay. Truth be told, I have no idea how they're going to bring her back to life. But Joss Whedon has publicly stated that he came up with the idea for Buffy's death TWO seasons ago, and already has next season completely planned out! And that's with the original BUFFY played by Sarah Michelle Gellar! So while Buffy may be DEAD, Sarah Michelle Gellar is NOT DEAD, and because this is a TV SHOW, they can bring back WHOEVER THEY WANT, whether the person is DEAD or NOT DEAD!! AND I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!! Now, is that finally CLEAR???
QUESTION 4: "You killed Sarah Michelle Gellar, too?? You goddam Nazi butcher!! I hate you! I hate you! I HATE YOU!!!"
Fine. I killed Buffy, Sarah Michelle Gellar, AND Joss Whedon. Now, I'll kill myself. BLAM!!! There. Satisfied? Good. See you next week.