Jeremy Eaton

Frequent readers of this column will surely note that I enjoy NYPD Blue almost as much as a catheter snapping off in my wee-wee. God knows I used to love the show; fond memories of Jimmy Smits' tight bare tuckus still dance inside my head like the Nutcracker as performed by a group of fourth graders hopped up on Ecstasy.

So when did titillation turn to revulsion? It was that sorrowful day when hunky Smits left the show and was replaced by former Silver Spoons child actor Li'l Ricky Schroder.

Oh, I admit at first I was absolutely goose-pimply with joy over Li'l Ricky joining the cast. I would much rather have a former child star on the tube than behind bars for stealing Robitussin from a Quickie Mart. However! The producers of NYPD Blue obviously made a grievous and fatal error when they forgot to have Li'l Ricky drop his drawers during his audition. Because did you ever get a look at his ASS?? OMIGOD!! Not only did it share the same pigmentation as the underbelly of a trout, but even worse, the shape of his pathetic ass looked like somebody dumped a handful of gravel into two white tube socks!

And let me tell ya, after he came on, that milky-white droopy poop-shoot brought the whole goddam show crashing to its knees. Did you notice that during the entire last season, you couldn't understand a fawking thing anyone was talking about? It was like everyone in the cast suddenly went Cro-Mag! Here's an example!

Sorenson: You book that skell perp-hole into Interview One, Andy?

Sipowicz: Danny, I tell ya, I make that Russian for the whack job, but he lawyered up. Now, IAB is taking the ride, and this asshole is squeezing my shoes!

WHAT THE FAWK ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT??? I have no idea, but I blame Ricky Schroder's ASS!

Regardless, you will all be happy to know that as of NOW, we will no longer have Schroder's broken speech (or ass) to kick around any longer, because he is officially OFF THE SHOW. And why is that? Who knows and who cares? He didn't even bother to show up for the season finale, which I'm certain was a relief to the rest of the cast members, who have been holding back a year's worth of guffaws whenever they looked at those two bags of mashed potatoes Ricky carries around in his pants. BUT HERE'S THE REALLY GOOD NEWS! Guess who they are going to get to replace him? It's yet another "former child actor," and it's Mark-Paul Gosselaar--who you may remember as Zack from Saved by the Bell!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I know! EEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Omigod! They're going to have to rename the show NYPD Dreamboat! And if you are having reservations about any potential "ass deficiencies," let me put those doubts to rest right now! As Saved by the Bell's number-one fan from 1989 to 1993 (the original series on NBC), I can testify that Mark-Paul's heinie has enough snap in it to easily crack the skull of a squirrel. And even better, his new role opens the door to the possibility of getting rid of that old tub of guts, Detective Medavoy, and replacing him with my second favorite Saved by the Bell graduate, Screech!

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, NYPD Blue! You can squeeze my shoes anytime! (Whatever that means!)