OMIGOD!! I just came up with the greatest idea, like EVER! And here it is: You simply MUST try out for Temptation Island 2!
C'mon! Do it! Do it! Do it! It'll be heee-larious!
Huh? Whaddaya mean you have no goddam idea what I'm talking about? C'mon, you remember Temptation Island! That's the FOX reality show where three couples go to this secluded island and meet a bunch of horny singles waiting to climb into their shorts and ruin their perfect relationship! Whaaa? You still don't remember? Okay, it's that show I always refer to as Gonorrhea Peninsula. Yeahhhhhh, that's the one!
So anyway Temptation Island is holding auditions for the show's second season RIGHT NOW, and you have to try out! C'mooooon!!! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!!!
Huh? Whaddaya mean "they would never accept" you? You're perfect! Here, let me read the description of what they want: "Considered for potential participation are couples who have been in a serious relationship [See?? That's you!], but still have doubts about marriage [Oh, boy, is that ever YOU!]."
But wait! You don't have to be shackled to another person to become a star on Temptation Island! They're also looking for the "tempters" as well. According to the pimps er, producers, they will be casting "single, open-minded [that's producer-talk for "horny"] men and women who are interested in a potential relationship with someone from the opposite sex." Now, does that mean you can't be on Temptation Island if you're gay? NO! NO, IT DOES NOT! It simply means that when you are in the interview process, you should do like I do when I'm talking to my pop, and skillfully OMIT that in the past you might have gobbled a gherkin or two. Or carpet-munched. You know what I mean.
So you're gonna do it, right? Are ya? Are ya? Are ya? It'll be a goddam HOOT!
Huh? Whaddaya mean you're "still not sure"? Listen to me, you are perfect for this! Tell you what, answer "yes" or "no" to the following question posed by the producers: "Are you willing to have your life taped 24 hours per day, seven days a week, and feel comfortable appearing on national television in a bathing suit or similar attire?" The answer is YES! YES YOU DO!! I know for a goddam FACT that you look great in a bathing suit, and you have a body that would make a preacher kick a hole in a stained-glass window! Soooooooo.
DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
Huh? You'll do it if I promise to stop screaming, "DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!"? Hurrahhhh! I win again!! Okay, okay! So go to the phone right now and dial this toll-free number: 1-866-820-5109. Now, when they ask you to leave a message, say the following: "Hello! My name is __________, and you should pick me to be on Temptation Island because I would like nothing better than to ruin a young couple's relationship on national TV! And you should also pick me because I am HOT! And I am HORNY! And I have GONORRHEA! Hurrahhhh!!!"
Hey. Why aren't you picking up the phone?