You know, every now and then, I like to look over previous editions of I Love Television™, and I can't help but say to myself, "GOD!!! This is soooo STOOPID!!!" Seriously--what a dumbass column I write! Every goddam week it's the same thing: "Big Brother blah! Blah! BLAH!" "Tom Selleck's booshy moostache blah! Blah! BLAH!" "Monkey, monkey, diaper gravy, poop chute, monkey, Touched on the Swimsuit Area by an Angel blah! Blah! Blahdity-fawkin' BLAH!"
Now I may be wrong, but the one common ground all newspapers share is that they have NEWS in them. But what does my column contain? A bunch of grammatically impaired, coke-induced ramblings that have more to do with the shapely softness of my perfect posterior than actual news about TELEVISION! Which I believe is supposed to be my fawking JOB! See??? GOD!!!! I SUCK!!!!!
Well, starting TODAY, I will suck no more! I'm going to deliver actual television NEWS, and it will be straightforward, and it will be BORING. Just the way real news is supposed to be. No more monkey-monkey; no more poopy-chutey; no more gravy-gravy. Just straight-up NEWS and it will be tedious, and you will LOVE IT!!!
Okay? OKAY. Now. Ahem. Today in television news, it was announced that former Xena: Warrior Princess star Lucy Lawless will be joining the long-running science-fiction television show The X-Files. This should make Lawless fans quite happy, since they are still madder than a tomcat with twisted testicles about the final episode of Xena, where Lawless was shot full of arrows and had her noggin lopped off [Goddammit! That's NOT "AP style!" Get it together, man!!]. Ahem. Fans of Xena are also intrigued by the notion of a possible "lesbian" subplot in The X-Files: In the show's season finale, Agent Monica Reyes (played by Annabeth Gish) was seen making what some might construe as amorous advances toward Agent Dana Scully. This has some fans thinking that about two seconds after the lesbo-riffic Xena and Annabeth see each other, they're gonna jump in the hot tub, slap a little carpet, and then licky-lickity-boom-boom-DOWN! RRROOOOOWWRR! Pant-pant! Ah-OOOOOH-GAHHHHH!
Excuse me. Yes. Okay. In other television-related news, the NBC network has been making great strides with its reality-based game show, Fear Factor. It is a show in which contestants perform various dangerous or grotesque acts in order to win a large cash prize. For example, a contestant might be dragged down a muddy street by horses, or covered in live rats. But according to executive producer Matt Kunitz, the show will add an even more surprising twist in the fall: celebrity contestants. Though no one has signed up yet, Kunitz has been talking to Mario Lopez (Saved by the Bell) and Ali Landry (who played Natalie in Felicity). He also hopes to book John Travolta and Tom Cruise. (SNORT!! Yeah, RIGHT!! The only way you're gonna get Tom Cruise on that dumbshit show is if you promise him those rats are gonna crawl up his ASS!!)
Ouch. Okay. It's become increasingly apparent that I'm a failure at straight news. So next week? IT'S BACK TO POOPY MONKEY MOOSTACHE JOKES! Whoopeeeeee!!!