Jeremy Eaton

I like oral sex. Yesireebob, I don't see nothin' wrong with it. I like giving oral sex, I like getting oral sex, and I like watching oral sex. Whether you call it "munching the carpet," "bobbing for baloney," or simply "whistling Dixie," I loves me some oral sex. Licky, slurpy, yummy, ORAL SEX. O-R-A-L S-E-X! Oral sex! Oral sex! Rah! Rah! Rahhhh!!!

Now. I'm sure I had a point to make when I started this column oh, yeah! It was about ORAL SEX! I LOVE IT! And I'd bet a nickel that you're not adverse to the idea, either! What's not to love? It feels great, it's statistically safe, and more often than not, it tastes good, too! If I could, I'd vote oral sex for president. (And if you count ex-President Clinton, I guess I already did!) Because, as you already know, there's nothing more American than a good ol' red, white, and blue blowjob (or hairy hummer).

Oral sex built this country, and if you went around the globe comparing oral sex techniques (and believe me, I HAVE), you'd find that the French, the British, and especially the Krauts stink at oral sex. And that's because they don't talk right. Think about it: If you can't control your tongue, then how are you gonna be any good at oral sex?! Am I right? Am I right? Goddam right, I'm right.

But let's face facts, shall we? There are some Americans (believe it or DON'T) who stink at oral sex. Thankfully for the rest of us, you can usually recognize them, because they form groups that partake in weird hobbies to get their minds off how bad they are at oral sex. Like the NRA. Or the Supreme Court. And especially the Parent's Television Council (PTC), which just came out with a report saying there's too much oral sex during the family television viewing hour!

For those who aren't Amish, the "family hour" is historically between 8 and 9 p.m., and is a time when families can watch network TV together without having to worry about overt depictions of sex, violence, drugs, and Daddy promising not to drink and hitting Mommy with his belt. Anyway, the conservative PTC monitored 200 shows during the "family hour" and discovered that violent acts (like Buffy snuffing a vampire--who deserved it!) had risen 70 percent since 1999; and though sexual acts had decreased by 17 percent (boooo!), "coarse" language was up 78 percent.

So what qualifies as "coarse" language? The word "ass," which the PTC claims pops up an average of more than once an hour. (The council also noted that if it had included words like "damn," "hell," and "crap," its offense-o-meter would have doubled.) Nevertheless! The PTC claims that though sexual material has dropped, ORAL SEX has become a normal part of many family-hour shows.

So naturally, my question would be, "What shows are you guys watching?!?" Because I LOVE oral sex, and though I've watched a lot of episodes of Touched by an Angel, I've never seen her tongue touch anything south of the border (IF you know what I mean).

So if anyone watches any shows that depict oral sex, I wanna know about it! I wanna see Sabrina the Teenage Witch go down on her boyfriend's wand! I wanna see Big Brother giving special attention to Big Sister! Because I'm not sure if I've made this specifically clear: I LOVE ORAL SEX!