Jeremy Eaton

Y'know, I wish I had a nickel for every panel of psychologists who've ever tried to figure out whether or not I'm GAY.

I mean, I can understand their confusion: One minute I'm bragging about rubbing the satiny softness of J. Lo's bootay, and the next minute I'm waxing poetic about taking a ride on Tom Selleck's booshy moostache. One minute I'm zigging, the next, I'm a zaggot. It's all very confusing! Except for me, of course. Yep, I love my sexy ambiguity and feel no need to label myself--unless, of course, you count my "Home of the Whopper" underpants. (You think I'm joking. I'm not.)

However! Just for laffs, I took this "gay" test on the World Web Intranet (www.thespark.com/gaytest). It's supposed to tell you percentage-wise how gay you actually are (if indeed, none of us are absolutely gay or straight). So anyway, I took the test, and according to the results, I'm 79% GAY!

Now wait a FAWKING second! That's not a little gay, or even gay-ish that's gayer than Gaylord McGayerson in the gay bathhouse during Gay Town's "Gay Daze" celebration! Sure, I admit it! I've sampled some hot dogs--but what about all those pies? Don't they count for anything? APPARENTLY NOT! According to the World Web Intranet, it doesn't matter how many muffins I've massaged, I still make Richard Simmons look like Russell Crowe! (Especially in that sexy Gladiator movie! Rrrrrrowrrr.) That's why I've decided never to trust the World Web Intranet AGAIN. I'll dream up my own goddam gay test! Wanna play it? Yes, you do, because you know my gay test will be 10 times BETTER than any gay test dreamed up by an Intranet-lovin' four-eyed geek with a gigabyte up his butt.

HERE'S HOW YOU PLAY: Below, I will list eight TV shows. Simply put a check after the ones you like and/or watch. Then go to the bottom and let me tell you how gay you are. It's that simple!

Diagnosis Murder___
Suddenly Susan___
Friends___
Cops___
7th Heaven___
Drew Carey Show___
Star Trek: Voyager___
Will & Grace___

Okay! Pencils down! Here's how you score yourself: If you chose Diagnosis Murder, give yourself two gay points. It's not very gay (except when Scott "Chachi" Baio is on). Did you check Suddenly Susan? Then that's eight big gay points, Gay Person! And if you watch Friends, that's nine gay points. (C'mon! Joey and Chandler? Gay, gay, GAY!) And since gays like uniforms, you better give yourself eight points for Cops. For reasons unknown to everyone, butch lesbians LOVE 7th Heaven, so give yourself seven points. Drew Carey Show? There's nothing less sexy. Zero points. And Star Trek: Voyager?! They oughta call it Deep Gay 69! Nine points! And finally, your parents watch Will & Grace, and they're not gay at all, so four points (unless of course the only reason you watch it is for Karen--then it's 10 points).

Scoring: If you scored 20 points or lower, you're not so gay. Sucks to be you. If you clocked in between 21 and 40 points, you are just the right amount of gay. And if you scored 41 or higher, you are so very gay that you can rightfully call Liberace a homophobe. Take off your shirt and put on those tight rainbow shorts, because you're the grand marshal of the Gaycy's Thanksgayving Day parade!