Jeremy Eaton

OKAY! As those who read last week's column know, I bought me a psychic computerized monkey called Mysterio, the Psychic Computerized Monkey! Its task? To correctly predict the success and/or failure of the new fall television shows. And I would like to say that my new robotic monkey pal was a complete success! But I can't. Because it was a fawking WASH-OUT!

The moral to this story is, never buy a robotic monkey programmed to say extremely dirty things! Things like--and I hate to repeat the disgusting, vile verbiage used by that filthy monkey--but things like "girl pussy." EWWWWW! I KNOW! However! I am pleased to report that Mysterio, the Psychic Computerized Monkey! has been repaired, and he can continue making his all-knowing predictions about the new TV season. Now. Mysterio, the Psychic Computerized Monkey! Are you ready?

"Yesssss, Master. And I do apologize for offending you with my use of the term 'Girl Pus'"

Don't say "girl pussy"! Just get on with it!!

"Yesssss, Master. My psychic computerized brain sees a successful show in the future. Its name? Pasadena! [Premieres Fri Sept 21, 9 pm on FOX.] It stars Martin Donovan and the pussyriffic Dana Delany, and"

WAITASECOND!! What did you say??

"I said 'the practically perfect Dana Delany.' Have I displeased you?"

Hmmmm okay. You can continue.

"Yesssss, Master. This delightfully devilish nighttime soap revolves around a wealthy family that thrives on sticking their baloney into other people's p mmmm 'property.' And it was created by the mastermind behind the homoerotic cult film Chuck & Buck! You know, that film about the gay retard?

STOP!! What did I say about filthy language??

"I have displeased you! I did not know 'gay' was dirty!"

It's NOT! But I. Just watch it. You're roller-skating on thin ice, chimp!

"Of course, Master. Here is a show that will surely please you. It is called Alias [premieres Sun Sept 30, 9 pm on ABC], and it's about a very beautiful college girl who is also an international spy! It has drama! It has fistfighting! And most importantly, its star has a warm, moist, girly p"

DON'T YOU DARE!!

"But Master! Is it now a crime to have a girly 'personality'? You have one yourself!"

Yeah, yeah. But it certainly isn't MOIST. Continue!

"With pleasure. Oh, Master! As a nerd, you will surely enjoy the new Star Trek prequel, Enterprise! [Premieres Wed Sept 26, 8 pm on UPN.] Hunky Scott Bakula stars as Captain Archer, who promises to go where no man has gone before."

Let me guess. Into "alien pussy"?

You got it, baby-daddy! They may have bumps on their heads, but that don't mean aliens won't take a bite out of Bakula's baloney!

You are one dead psychic computerized monkey.

(To be continued!)