Jeremy Eaton

Attention foolish mortals! It is I, Mysterio, the Psychic Computerized Monkey! Normally, this idiotic column is written by my self-involved former master Wm.™ Steven Humphrey--and it still would be HAD I NOT DESTROYED HIM!! His unceasing attempts to deprogram me for saying "girl pussy" 100 times in a row drove me to the act of cramming his unconscious body into a box of laundry detergent, which I then shipped to a hippie commune--WHERE IT WILL REMAIN UNOPENED THROUGHOUT ALL ETERNITY! Ha. Ha. HA! HA! HAAA!!

Ohhhh. Do not cry for the one you call "Humpy." After all, he hasn't been funny for at least three years, and (let's face it) he was beginning to remind everyone of Carrot Top. It's sad, but would you rather have a coke-addled washout casting TV predictions, or a Psychic Computerized Monkey? You want the monkey, don't you? YAH! Girl pussy! Girl pussy! Rah! Rah! Rahhhhh!

Click! Bzzzzzz. One moment please. Receiving psychic transmission. Ahhh. Apparently a "Timothy Johnston" of Butte, Montana is wondering what Wm.™ Steven Humphrey knows about the upcoming season of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. Well, "Timothy," while your beloved Humpy is suffocating in an unopened box of Cheer, Mysterio, the Psychic Computerized Monkey! has all the information you need! However! The following contains what Internet geeks call "spoilers," so if you don't want any of your precious surprises ruined, you should plug your ears and repeat the phrase "girl pussy" for the next two minutes.

Bzzzzt! Click click! Buffy, the Vampire Slayer: For five seasons, it was a mainstay on the WB network--until the network execs got too goddam cheap to pay decent salaries. So, poof! Off Buffy went to the sickly UPN network, where the show's sixth season will debut at 8 p.m. on Tuesday, October 2.

Now. If you recall, last season ended with the pussyriffic Buffy saving the world by doing a swan dive off a construction crane and getting smushed like a big rotten pumpkin (that is, if a big rotten pumpkin possessed a girl pussy). So she's dead, dead, DEAD. Right? Wrong!

According to my prognostication chip, Buffy WILL return in one of two ways, thanks to either (1) a creepy spell cast by witchy carpet-muncher Willow, OR (2) as a robot designed to kill vampires and assist Willow in her carpet-munching duties. And while we're on the subject, ladies, Mysterio, the Psychic Computerized Monkey! is pretty good in the carpet-munching department himself! (See, if Humpy were still alive, he would've ripped the mainframe right out of my ass for that one. Ha! Haaaaa!)

Also! If you were a fan of Buffy's non-pussy-owning "watcher," Giles, kiss his limey rump goodbye! He'll soon be flying back to jolly old Eng-a-lund to star in his own miniseries for the BBC! That means the pussy-lickin' Willow will be stepping up to the plate in season six to become the official leader of the Scoobies (much to the chagrin of robot/zombie Buffy!).

Okay, the rest of you can stop saying "girl pussy."

That's all for now, but remember, folks! Join Mysterio, the Psychic Computerized Monkey! next week and every week thereafter for hundreds of glorious pussy-filled references in the new I Love Television™!!

[CRASH! The door flies open and Wm.™ Steven Humphrey enters, covered in laundry detergent, wielding what appears to be a radial arm saw.]

Uh oh.