Jeremy Eaton

All right relax everybody!

Humpy is back in the hizz-ouse, and that goddam robotic monkey who tried to bury me in a box of laundry detergent is now a pile of screws and wires that looks like somebody blew up a Radio Shack. (If you missed the last few columns, the confusion you feel is your own damn fault!) But I'll tell you one thing: Next time I get a bunch of Montessori school kids to build me a psychic computerized monkey, I hope you'll kick me in my soft, plumpy juicy-fruit.

OH! And you won't believe what happened! So I gathered up all the parts of that treacherous, foul-mouthed, dismembered monkey, stuck him in a bucket, and went down to the Montessori school to get my goddam money back, right? And when I get there, the door is locked. So I peek in the window, and instead of learning the violin or figuring out amalgamarhythms, those eggheads are sitting around the tube eating Froot Loops and watching cartoonies! Is THIS where my tax dollars are going? To feed these dorks Froot Loops and pay for cartoonie-watching time? FAWK THAT!

So I'm banging on the window, right? "Hey, you little four-eyed Nancies! I got a bucketful of monkey, and I want my goddam money back!!" And this, my friends, is the truly unbelievable part. They turn around and yell, "SCREW YOU, Fartsie! We're watching cartoonies!" They said this TO ME!! Their ELDER! It's ri-goddam-diculous! In MYYYYY day, if I had said that to a grown-up? They would've slapped the lobotomy right out of my head! (And I think they did a couple of times.)

Regardless! I would looooooove to sit on my ham all day eating Froot Loops and watching cartoonies, but (A) I have to write this stupid column, and (B) they don't make cartoonies for people like me! Nowadays, it's all "Japanimation" shows like Pokie-Man and Diggy-Man and Moo-Goo-Gai-Pan-Man! And I hate them and they give me seizures! So they suck.

Happily, I've discovered some cartoonies that are just my speed. They're on the Cartoon Network starting at 10:30 p.m. on Thursday and Sunday nights, in a block called "Adult Swim." And I love 'em, because they take old Hanna-Barbera cartoonies and cram them full of adult content.

For example, there's Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law, where an ex-superhero defends cartoon characters--like Shaggy from Scooby Doo, who is busted for "possession," and Jonny Quest's Race Bannon, who's trying to gain custody of Jonny from his gay lover, Dr. Quest. Then there's Sealab 2021, another Hanna-Barbera spinoff, starring Erik "CHiPs" Estrada in a utopian undersea lab that somehow gets blown up in every episode. And of course there's our old favorite, Space Ghost: Coast to Coast, in which the classic superhero hosts a talk show that specializes in embarrassing famous guests.

So as far as I'M concerned, those stupid Montessori kids can take their precious cartoonies and CRAM IT. I'm an ADULT, which means I have my own cartoonies, and I don't care if I ever get paid for that stupid monkey, because I'm too "mature." (Besides, the money I made from stealing their bicycles will more than cover my inconvenience.) HA! Put THAT in your Froot Loops, you Stephen Hawking wannabes, and SMOKE IT!