Jeremy Eaton

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-DOGGY! Things sure have been krazy-krappy for the last few weeks, haven't they? I mean, things were going along just fine (in actuality, things were pretty goddam boring) and then, without any warning, KABLOOEY! A robotic monkey sticks you in a box of laundry detergent and ships you off to a hippie commune. Suddenly, it's like a whole different world! You can't pick up the paper without reading about it, and you can't turn on the TV without seeing a couple of jackasses arguing over what can be done to prevent future robotic monkeys from shoving other people in laundry detergent. I tell ya, it's times like these when you wanna just plop down on that junk in your trunk, turn off all systems except life-support, and watch some Teee-vee!

However! Just when I thought things were returning to some semblance of normalcy, I watch this show called Alias (Sunday nights at 9 pm on ABC). It's all about this hot and foxy college grad student who's recruited by the CIA to spy on foreign countries and kick-fuck anybody that bothers to get in her way! And this show is blowing my freaking mind, right? Because it's one half Felicity (documenting her boy problems at school, with stoopid Dave Matthews-style music playing underneath) and the other half La Femme Nikita (with her dressing up in rrrowrr-rrrowrr outfits and getting her teeth yanked out of her head by some creep when she refuses to talk)!

But that's not all! After she gets recruited by the CIA, it takes her a couple of years to figure out "Whoopsy! I'm not actually in the real CIA, I'm really in this weird evil branch of the CIA that the real CIA hates!" And so then, the evil CIA branch kills her boyfriend (cue sad Dave Matthews music), and even tries to kill her, but she tricks them, see, into thinking she's okay with the evil CIA branch, but in reality she goes to work for the real CIA branch as a double agent so she can screw over the evil CIA branch!

And then there's the subplot about her father, who she learns is ALSO an agent for both the evil and the real CIA, but JESUS CHRIST! I'm so freaking confused my head feels like it's gonna blow off! And frankly, the whole idea kinda burns my ass. I mean, is this where my hard-earned tax money is going? To fund a real CIA and an evil CIA? If you ask me, they should all just get together, flip a coin, and make the decision: Are we a real CIA or an evil CIA? To tell you the truth, I don't really give a crap. JUST MAKE UP YOUR MINDS!!

So anyway, it's a pretty good show, and you should watch it. But that's not my thesis! My thesis is, I'm sitting on my juicy caboose watching this show, and I start thinking, "God-DAMMIT! How come nobody ever asks ME to be in their evil CIA?" Besides perky ta-tas, what's this girl got that I ain't got? I'm telling you, I'd be GREAT in the evil CIA. I could put on some tight leather clothes, my mullet wig, a fake booshy moostache, and sneak into some foreign consulate and steal their plans for their destructo-ray gun. And when they caught me, I'd say, "Screw YOU, Ivan! I'm hot and I'm sexy, and just you try to prove I'm a member of the evil CIA. Cuz I'm NOT."

Then they'd yank my teeth out, which would save me a buttload on dental bills.