Jeremy Eaton

If you've been reading the newspapers (which, by the way, I never do--colossal waste of time), you've probably noticed the dramatic upswing of KA-RAZY behavior. I'm not going to list any specific examples because, as mentioned earlier, I don't read the newspapers. However, I've heard from acquaintances who do read the newspapers that lots of people have been going bonkers because of the September 11 attacks.

Naturally, since it's my nature to be argumentative, I tell them they're full of horse cookies. IF YOU ASK ME (and I'm sure you'd eventually get around to it), these people didn't just suddenly up and go "koo-koo for Cocoa Puffs." In MY opinion, these peeps were already crackers, and since they saw the world around them going crackers too, they just said, "HEY! What am I doing trying to act all not-crackers, when the world around me has gone all crackers? THAT'S IT! I'm done pretending! I'M A GOIN' KA-RACKERS! Woop! Woop! Homina! Homina! Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh!" (Or something like that. I'm sure I don't know how crazy people talk, not being one myself.)

Howwwwwwww-ever! This is not to say we shouldn't treat these nut jobs with the care and understanding they deserve. For example, I am a CELEBRITY. That means I am a goofball MAGNET. And, when someone who is obviously one Snickers shy of a Fun-Pack comes up to me, I know how to handle it. I look them straight in the eye, and no matter what they're saying, I smile and I nod--for exactly 23 seconds. Then I run as fast as I can in the opposite direction.

On the other hand, there are some people who show WAAAAY too much consideration for the insane. David E. Kelley, for example. He's the producer for the long-running and deeply annoying show, Ally McBeal, and he's practically made a career out of hiring the mentally unfit. I remember everyone saying, "AWWW, ain't that sweet? Kelley's hiring that loopy drug addict Robert Downey Jr." And look what happened! Downey got busted for dope, and now he's off the show, wearing a bright orange suit and picking up garbage on the freeway! (Or maybe he isn't like I said, I don't read the newspapers.)

Or how about that ex-lesbian and current fruitcake Anne Heche? She just wrote a book confirming to the world that she's battier than a bedbug, and David E. Kelley says, "That's all I needed to hear! Welcome to Ally McBeal!" And now, all her castmates are waiting to see if she's going to start wearing an aluminum foil hat so she can talk to the aliens, or just buy a shotgun at Kmart and start blowing everybody away! "Yeahhhhh, thanks a lot, boss!"

And dig this! Ignoring all his previous mistakes, guess who Kelley has hired now? MARIAH FREAKING CAREY! She's been in and out of the funny farm for the past few months, and now (big surprise) she's scheduled to do a guest shot on Ally McBeal. So you have to wonder, has Kelley simply got a thing for Froot Loops, is it a weird attempt at stunt casting, or is Kelley himself a wack job?? I mean, it doesn't make any sense!! What kind of business would go out of its way to hire someone who is so clearly OUT OF HER FREAKING GOURD??

Whoops. Once again I've just talked myself into the unemployment line. GodDAMMIT!!