Jeremy Eaton

Surprising though it may be, I've received a lot of emails this week that take umbrage with my use of the term, "making gravy." For those of you new to I Love Television™, "making gravy" is a term I commonly use for the act of "coitus," as in "Yo, baby, babaaaay! Let's sneak off behind the dumpster, rub our parts together, and make some gravy!" A few of these letter-writers have noted that ever since I began using the phrase, they have lost their appetite for "gravy" products--either in the can, or ladled steaming hot onto a couple of biscuits. Well, far be it from me to ruin anyone's love for a big pile of dripping gravy juice, and I promise in the future to use the phrase "let's make some gravy" more judiciously. So! Speaking of "riding the wild baloney pony "

Do you feel that "tickly" feeling going on inside your pants? Well, I think we can safely rule out the crabs (at least for some of you), because it's time once again for the season premiere of that bastion of good taste and chastity, Temptation Island 2 (Thurs Nov 8, 9 pm, FOX)! During this time of national crisis, it's more important than ever for the networks to trot out the very best in entertainment--of course, Temptation Island doesn't come anywhere close, but what do you expect from a network run by retarded monkeys? THEY'RE DOING THE BEST THEY CAN, ALL RIGHT?!?

For those unfamiliar with the show, Temptation Island--also known as Gonorrhea Peninsula--is about four real-life couples who have reached the tipping point in their relationships. The couples don't know whether they should get married or simply begin the long, arduous process of dividing up the CD collection and exchanging weepy, passive-aggressive e-mails in which they wonder how something so right could have gone so horribly wrong.

So what's the best way to decide if they are truly each other's sole reasons for existence? By going to a deserted island and having 26 sexy singles dry-hump their legs, of course!!

In the end, hearts are broken, lives and reputations are destroyed, and any sympathy felt for these people is drowned out by a nation of viewers sitting at home yelling, "HA! HA! HAAAAA! We told you so, ya horny jerk-offs!" Or at least that's how it should be. Last season, the show initially provided lurid thrills galore, with its cast of meathead guys and sexually repressed gals--that is, until the final episode! Just when you thought the four couples were ready to put axes in each other's heads, suddenly they got all fawking lovey-dovey, and decided to renew their relationships!! "Ohhh, baby! Those other cheap tramps didn't mean nothin'! You're the only girl for me. Mwahh! Mwahh! Mwahh!! I wuv my widdle punkin-stroodle!" Ewwwwaugghh!!! It was goddam DISGUSTING, I'm tellin' ya!!

Well, by god, this season is gonna be different! Temptation Island's got four new couples, and if FOX ever wants me to watch this show again, I'd better see an assload of hot rubby-dubby sex, knockdown-dragout fistfights, and, by show's end, three out of four couples hanging from a noose in the rafters!

Don't make me come over there and teach you how to ruin relationships, Gonorrhea Peninsula! Take it from me I'M THE EXPERT!!