Jeremy Eaton

You know how sometimes in this column, I'll get a bug up my butt and start some insignificant rant, and before I know it, I've run out of room without ever even broaching the subject of television? Well, this is potentially one of those columns.

Therefore! I've decided to plug my butt-bug for the moment, and get the boring television information out of the way before launching into a self-satisfying rant about how Aquaman sucks fishsticks. If you're anything like me, you HATED the old Superfriends cartoon, because they would never fistfight, and treated each other like they were members of some kinda goddam hippie commune. Well, happy days are here again, because Bruce Timm--the creator of the fistfight-happy Batman and Superman cartoons on the WB--will be premiering his newest creation, called Justice League, this Saturday (Nov 17) at 7 p.m. on the Cartoon Network! And what's great about Bruce Timm is how he fleshes out these old DC Comics characters so they actually have adult problems. For example, in the Batman Beyond cartoon, he drops not-so-subtle hints that Batgirl not only had an affair with Robin, but was also making Bat-gravy with the Caped Crusader at the same time! (Oooooooh! Dat's dirty!) And unlike those super-sappy Nancy-heroes the Superfriends, the Justice League will be opening up major cans of whup-ass on the villains, as well as bickering among themselves--just like you do with your coworkers!

But here's the very best part: In this incarnation of the Justice League, Bruce Timm has included Superman, Batman, Green Lantern (the soul brother, not the honky), Martian Manhunter, Wonder Woman, Hawkgirl and whoopee-doo! NO FREAKIN' AQUAMAN!! Because, as Bruce Timm has so rightly discovered, Aquaman is the WORST superhero in the WORLD, and should stay where he belongs--on the ocean floor, suckin' up to sperm whales!! Okay COMMENCE RANT!

Now. I have a very good friend, who shall remain nameless--okay, it's BRADLEY STEINBACHER--who I have known for years, and would trust with any of the many children I have littered across this country. He is funny, he is brilliant, and I would gladly hack off my super-fine booty rather than see a greasy hair on his head harmed. HOWEVER! Brilliant though he may be, there is apparently one cerebellum in Bradley's brain that is completely retarded. Because he is totally in love with Aquaman--the WORST superhero in the WORLD! And though I have spent countless hours trying to drum it into his thick skull that all Aquaman can do is hang around in the oceans, getting flounder to do all his dirty work, Bradley is steadfast in his retarded denial of these basic facts. And even worse? He insists that Aquaman can FLY!! Aquaman can't FLY! He can barely wipe his own ass with seaweed!!!

So there are two reasons I'm bringing this up: (A) I must be right that Aquaman sucks, because Bruce Timm didn't think that idiot belonged in the Justice League, and (B) you will undoubtedly be reading a 25,000-word essay from Bradley in next week's letters section trying to convince everyone I'm a dumbshit. Well, just you remember one thing YOU DON'T NEED ANY CONVINCING!!