Jeremy Eaton

It's always a hippity-happy day here at I Love Television™ when we learn that Hollywood is turning one of our favorite shows into a movie. Why? Because it's a "win-win" situation! If the movie is great, we can say, "Well naturally! What could go wrong with such a terrific premise?" And if it eats donkeys, then we can say, "HAW! I knew it! Hollywood eats DONKEYS!"

However! I gotta tell ya, this new Hollywood remake of Starsky and Hutch, starring the ever-lovable Ben Stiller, looks like a winner! For those who weren't even a gleam in the milkman's eye back in the "Me Decade," Starsky and Hutch was the best fawking '70s detective show ever, for three reasons. AHEM! Reason ONE! The stars (David Soul and Paul Michael Glaser) drove around in a bitch-ass red Ford Torino. Reason TWO! S&H were white cracker honkies, and when they needed info from "the street," they turned to soul brother number one Huggy Bear (who had a particular affinity for calling people "jive-talkin' turkeys"). Reason THREE! Starsky and Hutch were so in love with each other, they make Xena and Gabrielle look straight.

Anyhoo! As it stands now, Stiller will definitely be playing Starsky (the dark-haired one), and while it's still up in the air about who will play Hutch, actor Vince Vaughn is in the running (BOOOOO!!!), as well as Stiller's pal Owen Wilson (YAYYYYY!!!). As you can tell, I don't really care who gets the part.

But! The most hilarious part of old TV shows being made into blockbuster movies is how the original stars always want to reclaim their roles. In a looooong, rambling letter sent to S&H fans online, David Soul proposed that he and Glaser should star in the remake. Dig this!

"We [Soul and Glaser] want to do an intelligent, contemporary film built on a relationship that ended in 1980 and resurfaced in 2002. The point of the film is that true friendship is stronger and more lasting than enmity a fitting and final legacy for Starsky and Hutch." HONK, snoooo HONK, snoooo. Jesus Christ, that sounds boring! What are ya gonna call it? Grumpy Old Hutch? It's back to the rest home for you, Grampy!

Now, getting back to the FAR more interesting Ben Stiller version--the real question is this: WHO SHALL PLAY HUGGY BEAR? While the Hollywood grapevine has been whispering names like Chris Tucker (bpptthh!), Chris Rock (bpptthh!), and the "7 Up guy" Orlando Jones (BPPTTHH!!), Mr. Stiller seems to think a certain Snoop Doggy Dogg would be a fine choice. AND I HEARTILY AGREE! Though it's hard to imagine Snoop helping out the cops in any manner other than assisting a bullet into their heads, I am completely in LOVE with the new Snoop "language." You know the way he puts the suffix "izzle" onto every word? Here's an example from his song, "We From the LBC": "Pizzle, my Nizzle, Peace to my folks in Mississizzle, especially my Grandmizzle, you fizzle dizzle!" What does it mean? I have no idea. BUT I LOVE IT!!

In fact, it would suit me just fawking fine if Snoop talked like that for the entire movie! For examps, Snoop meets S&H on the street and says, "What the dizzle, Stizzle and Hizzle? Fo schizzle, that shizzle's off the hizzle for rizzle, bizzle! Izzle bizzle, my nizzle!" Mark my words, if Snoop gets the part, this movie will be the biggest EVER or the name of this column isn't "I Lizzle Televizzle™!" For rizzle!