Jeremy Eaton

As you may have realized, I DIG ROCK 'N' ROLL! Yeah, daddy-o! I go wiggy for those finger-snappin' toe-tappin' sounds of today--just like all the other chicks and charlies I hang out with! You need examples? Oh well, groovy man! It's my pleasure! Let's see I like that uh that Christina Arugula singer person, and that Blink 911 band, and who's that black guy? OH, YEAH! Coolio! Yep, I'm "down" (as they say in urban adult colloquialisms) with all the heavy, heavy hits of today.

However! While I especially love "boy bands" like 'N Shrink, Mo-Town, and the Backside Boys, I'm not the biggest fan of their creator, Lou Pearlman. He's that chubby old dude who was a former limousine driver--until he realized he could make a zillion bucks creating boy bands and sponging away their earnings. And while his apparent infatuation with the young male form may be suspect, don't get me wrong! I'm all for fetishizing teenagers, because that's where they get their power.

Think about it! Why do teenagers get away with so much crap? They sneak out of the house at night, smoke cigs behind the bleachers, and star in brainless teenage movies. And why is this allowed? Because (A) Old people are scared of teenagers. They think kids are going to throw toilet paper in their trees and knock them over while they're carrying a bag of groceries. And (B) Teenagers make old people hot. They like it when kids wear short skirts while throwing toilet paper in their trees and tight muscle-y T-shirts while knocking them over with an armload of groceries. Think that's gross? Well, I do too but it's a fact, so get used to it.

But getting back to Lou Pearlman! As old people go, he definitely falls into the "getting knocked over by kids dressed in muscle-y T-shirts" camp. That's why he's taking his teen fetish one step further by creating a new band based on "the Archies"! Even as we speak, Pearlman is conducting a nationwide search to discover gorgeous teens who play instruments, dance, and look like Archie and the gang. And once he finds them? Expect an album, a concert tour, and yes, even a TV show!

Okay. Now, let me tell you why this idea gives me the fawking creeps. If you've picked up an Archie comic in the last 20 years, you know those kids from Riverdale are horny, Horny, HORNY!! It's the most overt display of teenage sexuality I've ever seen (outside of my own personal experiences at band camp). The whole comic practically oozes with raw hormonal energy, and we're going to put this in the hands of LOU PEARLMAN?? Asking him to be responsible with this concept is like asking a red-ass monkey not to stink!

So it's up to every teenager in America to stop this travesty before it starts! Don't audition for the Archies! But if Pearlman asks you to knock him over while he's carrying an armload of groceries, I guess that's all right. (Just push him down really hard, and try to wear something baggy okay?)