Jeremy Eaton

Ya know, it's always goddam hee-larious to me how some people can live in a freaking dream world. Oh, you know who I'm talking about! Those peeps who can't seem to wake up and smell the coffee even when it's being poured down the front of their trousers. Take for example (once again) the GERMANS. Thanks to the World Web Intranet™, my column is being rightfully shared with people all over the globe. But apparently the Krauts' World Web Intranet™ isn't as fast as our Intranets™ because they never seem to respond to my columns until two months to a year after the fact. Listen to this letter I received this morning

Dear Mr. Humphrey: I've just stumbled over your article on "I Love Television" that was about the Starsky and Hutch movie [published Dec 6 '01]. In this one, you called David Soul a "grampy" and "boring." Well, I'm one of the people the producers are targeting with that movie age-wise (I'm 20), and I won't go and watch an S&H movie without David and Paul Michael Glaser in the leading roles! David and Paul are associated with S&H by most of the people, while Ben [Stiller] and Owen [Wilson] are NOT.

Greetings from Germany, Franziska

Okay, so first of all, while Franziska is obviously wrong-headed, she also sounds really HOT! And I think she digs me. However, since my heart and booty belong to the good ol' RED, WHITE, AND BLUE, Franziska will have to procure her wienerschnitzel elsewhere. Now, while I understand that Germans are socially and technologically 10 to 15 years behind the rest of us (they still wear Guess jeans, for Chrissakes!), Franziska should nonetheless realize that David Soul is currently right around 120 YEARS OLD. So unless the entire plot of Starsky and Hutch is going to revolve around who stole their colostomy bags, it's time to wake up and smell der koffee, Herr hottie Kommissar!

And! Speaking of people who need to catch a whiff of roasting beans, it seems X-Files producer Frank Spotnitz can't quite figure out why his show is swirling down the crapper this season. According to an interview with Zap2It.com, Frank muses, "I could give you six different theories, and I don't know which one it is. Is it because we started in November, and these other shows had weeks on the air to build up an audience? Is it because Sept. 11 changed the zeitgeist of the country? Is it because David Duchovny left?"

BING-BING-BING!! Congratulations, Frank! Of COURSE it was because David Duchovny left, but it was also because the show got old and turned to CRAP! In fact, it was so old, even David Soul called it "square"! See? This is what I'm talking about! Some people don't have the slightest idea of why their careers are in the crapper. But that ain't me! There's a very good reason my column isn't syndicated in a thousand papers across the country. And that's because IT SUCKS!!! (Oh, and there's also that cartel of rich Krauts who control every newspaper in America.)