Jeremy Eaton

I don't know about you, but I'm getting a little tired of TV getting CRAPPED on! For example, what's up with network executives who refuse to give their shows enough money to be sufficiently realistic? Take Buffy the Vampire Slayer: How can we take Buffy seriously when she's fighting a monster that looks like it's constructed out of two cardboard boxes and some duct tape? I'm serious! A couple of weeks ago, Buffy was attacked by some dumbass wearing a rubber fish head, and two weeks before that she was being roughed up by a sock puppet with glued-on teeth! What's next? Some guy with a McDonald's sack on his head swinging used condoms?

AND ANOTHER THING! I'm really getting sick of media types who insist on perpetuating the so-called Seinfeld Curse. This was originally invented by some jackass who noticed that everybody who starred on Seinfeld went on to be a failure--which of course isn't true! You can't be a failure if you sit around doing nothing but collecting royalty checks (as has been the case with Jerry Seinfeld).

However, while Jason "George Costanza" Alexander can be considered a partial failure for his failed sitcom Bob Patterson, you cannot deny that the bald-headed motherfucker sells a lot of chicken. At first I was confused as to why a successful Broadway actor would stoop to pushing buckets of chicken for KFC, but now I think I understand. He's thinking, "Sure, I've made a ton of money off Seinfeld, but why should I work my ass off on Broadway when I can make another cool billion selling chicken like a bald-headed motherfucker?"

And what about Michael "Kramer" Richards? Is he a failure? Yes, he is. He is a colossal failure. Because not only does he have a failed sitcom (the quickly cancelled and poorly named Michael Richards Show), he don't even sell no motherfucking chicken. However! Just because you got one wiry-headed motherfucker that's incapable of selling chicken, that doesn't mean an entire show is cursed!

See, the reason I bring this up is because the last of Seinfeld cast, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, has a new NBC sitcom called Watching Ellie (Tuesdays, 8:30), and you can't open a freaking magazine without seeing her name paired with the words "Seinfeld Curse"! According to these touchholes, she might as well put on her motherfucking chicken suit and start waving that drumstick in the air, because her new show doesn't stand a chance! AND THAT AIN'T RIGHT.

As it turns out, Watching Ellie ain't half bad. Julia plays a single gal on the go who's constantly plagued by a litany of wacky neighbors and icky boyfriends. But here's the thing! Each episode is set in real time, which means we see roughly 20 minutes of Ellie's life from start to finish. And while it's not fall-on-your-ass funny, at least she's doing something interesting and not trying to convince some football-watchin' motherfuckers to eat her motherfucking chicken!

Hmmm actually, having some chicken right about now doesn't sound too bad. Who wants to split a motherfucking bucket?