Jeremy Eaton

I am nothing if not fickle. There are moments when I can love something more than life itself--and then just as quickly HATE IT with such a burning passion I could grab it and strangle it and break it into a billion pieces before I stomp, Stomp, STOMP it into the ground!! Then it does something nice like buy me dinner and I love it again. Such is my love/hate relationship with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which I could easily pee on right now. The monsters am stoopid, the plots am stoopider, so I've decided to hate it and slobber all my love and affection on my new favorite bestest show in the world, Alias (Sundays, 9:00 p.m., ABC).

Ohhhhh, how I love thee, Alias! Let me count the ways: (1) You have the best plot ever, which is about a grad student (Sidney Bristow) who gets tricked into joining an evil division of the CIA, and becomes a double agent who runs around the world beating the shit out of foreigners and looking so goddam hot I just wanna UNNH! I just wanna UNNH-UNNHH! I just wanna freak her UNNH-NASTY!

(2) And another thing I love is that when she's not running around looking hot and beating up foreigners, she's keeping her identity secret from her friends, patching up her relationship with her deadbeat double-agent dad, and trying to keep her pants on around her good-guy CIA partner who is also so hot I just wanna UNNH! I just wanna UNNH-UNNHH! I just wanna freak him UNNH-NASTY!

(3) And yes, there are other things I love about Alias, but now I grow bored from talking about good things, and am ready to HATE--and you know what happens when I HATE don't you? Grab-grab, strangle-strangle, break-break, and stomp-stomp-STOMP! And if there's one character worthy of my pure crystalline hatred, it's Sidney's reporter pal, Will Tippin.

Ohhhh, Will Tippin! How I despise you. In fact, let me count the ways! (1) You are in love with Sidney, and I hate that! At this point she has a choice: either do the UNNH-UNNH freak nasty with "good-guy CIA partner," or do the UNNH-UNNH freak nasty with ME. Sorry, shit-heel, but there's no more room at the inn!

(2) You're always trying to inadvertently get Sidney killed, by nosing around in her secret double-agent lifestyle! How am I supposed to get my freak on, if she's DEAD? (Hmmm I suppose I could still get my freak on with her partner.) And though you CLAIM to be in love with Sidney, you are always boning your intern at the newspaper! Ohhhh, sure! I'd love to bone an intern, but since I don't HAVE an intern, I don't get that luxury, NOW DO I???

And (3) Will Tippin dresses like shit, and he's always eating a goddam apple! He's like, "Ooooh, look at me! I'm Mr. 'Casual Guy'! I'm wearing my corduroys, boning my intern, and eating an apple!" Well, FREAK YOU, Mr. Will "Casual Guy" Crappin! Alias is my favorite freaking show in the world, and since someone I HATE so intensely is on that show well, you know what THAT means!!

I love you.