Jeremy Eaton

I must say that I find my friends to be fairly disappointing. Every time I turn around they're either getting married, having babies, buying houses you know, things only old people do! And even worse? When we're hanging out together and I suggest a really good idea--like going out to bang some hookers--they're all like, "Ho! Ho! Ho! Ohhhh, Humpy. You are so very gauche. No, my friend, I am far too busy calculating mortgage rates to join you in your youthful chicanery. But perhaps you'd like to stay and help us choose a color for the baby's room!" Yeah, I'd like to help choose a color the color of FAWK YOU!!!

This "turning old" shit is ridiculous! I mean, our bodies may be getting older, but it's the same brain, right? And I would like it to be known that while the rest of my friends are out shopping for antique light fixtures, I'm still slurpin' down tumblers of liquor, shovin' nerds in the mud, and jamming on a sweet piece of boo-tay, muthafukahs!

And I've got something else to say! The grampies at the TV networks are not helping this situation, because they're filling the entire month of May with those stoopid reunion shows! You know what I'm talking about, right? Where the freaking cast members of Cheers sit on their old fat asses, showing clips from the series, and chuckling about how funny they were before they got old and fat? Right. Well, look at how the networks are planning on torturing us!

Laverne & Shirley Together Again (Tues, May 7, ABC, 8 pm)--Together again?? Those bitches hated each other the first time around!! Sure, Lenny and Squiggy were funny--until they suddenly weren't. Then it was six more seasons of snores during which time I was busy bird-dogging chicks at the mall. In my baby blue CAMARO.

L.A. Law: Return to Justice (Sun, May 12, NBC, 9 pm)--The sexy stars of this late-'80s Steven Bochco lawyer-fest return for one more case, and guess what? They aren't sexy anymore! Unless, of course, you think adult diapers are sexy. (Okay so there was an extremely short period in the '80s when I thought adult diapers were kind of sexy.)

The Mary Tyler Moore Reunion (Mon, May 13, CBS, 10 pm)--Hello?? I didn't think they were making television back in caveman days. This show debuted in 1970 and I'm trying to think of where I was oh, yeah! I was just a gleam in the milkman's eye. (Sorry, Mom! But it's true!)

The Cosby Show: A Look Back (Sun, May 19, NBC, 9 pm)--Okay, so I may watch this one if only to see if Rudy is still adorable, and if Lisa Bonet is still hot (even though she turned into a stinking hippie and married the most repulsive person in the world, Lenny Kravitz). And if this show was on between '84 and '92, then at the time, I was probably slurpin' down tumblers of liquor, shovin' nerds in the mud, and jamming on a sweet piece of boo-tay.

Ahhhh, yes. Those were the days.