Jeremy Eaton

I believe it is wrong to celebrate when people die--unless, of course, you were betting on when that person would die then it's okay. And it's especially okay if you win! For example, I'm placing some bets right now in something I like to call the "Who's Gonna Croak on Buffy?" game.

As you all know, we're coming to the end of another season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which means someone is going to croak. And according to that bastion of truth "THE WORLD WEB INTRANET," on May 14th it's going to be an actual member of the Scooby gang who dies--and this time, there ain't gonna be none of this using-magic-to-bring-'em-back-from-the-dead-shit either! I'm talkin' dead, rot, bloat, decompose, DEAD!

So I've got this betting pool going--and by the way, if you're a cop, I'm just joking around heh, heh, heh--with a bunch of thick-neck goombahs I met during my last Vegas trip. And whoever picks the correct dead Scooby is going to be one rich muthafucka. Here are the odds as they stack up now:

BUFFY--Odds: 30 to 1. C'mon! Even though her acting this season has been the worst ever, there's no freaking way they are gonna kill her off twice in a row. Fuggeddaboutit.

WILLOW--Odds: 15 to 1. Regular viewers know that Willow has been a black magic junkie this season, so killing her off might grant some redemption but c'mon! She's a lesbian! That'd be like killing off Will & Grace!

XANDER--Odds: 18 to 1. No way. Though Xander totally has that annoying Matthew "Friends" Perry thing going on, he's still the most likable character. Besides, you don't kill somebody just because they got fat.

SPIKE--Odds: 10 to 1. While Spike's likability factor has plummeted this season (especially after he boned Buffy in the alley behind the burger joint--EWWWW!), there's simply no point in killing someone who's already dead. I suppose he could do something "heroic" and die, but that would be bullshit, wouldn't it? Nope, he's a creep, which means he will live to bone another day.

ANYA--Odds: Even. Okay, I'm changing my mind. The odds are 3 to 2. Since being dumped on the altar by Xander, she's got to either kill him or be killed. There ain't no other choice. On the other hand how could anyone bump off a piece of booty so goddam FOINE?!?

TARA--Odds: Even. Hoo-boy. It may be "verboten" to kill off lesbians, but this one is a drip, drip, DRIP. So long to bad rubbish.

DAWN--Odds: Even. Though it makes sense that Buffy's sister would be just as bad of an actress, if I hear her scream or slam her bedroom door one more time, I'll send her off to the fawking Pearly Gates myself!!

And by the way, for those of you who are betting when I'm going to die? My doc just told me if I eat one more chicken-fried steak, then I've got three weeks tops!

All right, folks! Place yer bets!