Jeremy Eaton
Wanna know what's wrong with this world? People are TOO GODDAM GREEDY. They want it all! Remember that adage that everyone eventually becomes famous for 15 minutes? Well, now 15 minutes isn't nearly enough for these greedy fawks, and some people are asking to be famous for 20, 30 even 45 minutes!

Example: Now that Ozzy Osbourne's show is a hit, every washed-out celeb (including Sean "P. Diddy" Combs) wants their own reality program as well--whether they deserve it or not! Even Tommy Lee (yes, the drummer, ex-Mr. Pamela Anderson, hung-like-a-horse, and star-of-a-dirty-home-movie Tommy Lee) is in talks to get his own show!

Well, let me tell you something, Mr. "Pouchy-Pants" Lee! Just cuz you get this, don't mean you get that. In other words, just because you were lucky enough to wind up in some '80s hair band, and got the opportunity to give Pammy Anderson hepatitis C, doesn't mean you're entitled to 15 more minutes of boring the shit out of us!!

Example two: Kato Kaelin. You may remember him as the dumbshit houseguest who testified in the O. J. Simpson trial, and whose 15 minutes were up, like, 36 hours ago. Well, not only has this jackhole been given roles in movies since then (as well as Moby's new MTV video), guess what else he's gonna get? His own freaking show set to premiere this fall!! It's called House Guest, wherein Kato travels the country trying to find people who will put him up for the weekend. So, let's see. This deadbeat slacker gets his own show, a free place to stay, a role in a music video, AND gets to witness a former football star stab somebody to death with a knife? While we're at it, why not give him a year's supply of hookers dressed in cocaine underpants?

Example three: Now this is disgusting. On Sunday and Monday, ABC will present its newest reality mini-series called The Hamptons (9:00 p.m., June 2 and 3), which documents the fancy-pantsy goings-on at the famous New York beach resort. The filmmakers visit high-society soirees, weddings, and nightclubs to show how "the other half" lives (the "other half" being Billy Joel, Alec Baldwin, Christie Brinkley, Def Jam's Russell Simmons, and a host of other NYC snooty-patooties). Now, the way I see it, these people have wealth power influence easy access to drugs and illegal gardeners yet, there's something missing. Oh, yes! By all means, let's give them their own TV show!

Well I've just about had it! Here's the new rule: From now on, famous people get their fawking 15 minutes of fame, and NOTHING ELSE! No more TV shows, no more extraneous music videos or cocaine underpants, just 15 minutes and THAT'S IT! And if they absolutely insist on taking an extra 15 minutes? Then that 15 minutes will be spent with my size 15 FOOT in their ASS!

Waitasecond 15 minutes of my foot in a celebrity's ass? I'll be FAMOUS!