Jeremy Eaton

Pranks: They make life worth livin', don't they? Yeah, I love stickin' it to the assholes who try to stick it to me. But as my "main man" Coolio said in his groundbreaking rap music hit "Gangsta's Paradise": "I ain't never crossed a man that didn't deserve it." The way me and Coolio see it, it's okay to mercilessly tease the innocent, but save the rough stuff for your enemies.

Someone who obviously does not subscribe to the Coolio philosophy is That '70s Show star Ashton Kutcher (who also starred in a series of Savage Love columns where Dan fantasized about ejaculating on his face all together now, "EWWW!"). Anyways, Ashton is currently neck-deep in trouble thanks to his new MTV show, Harassment, and a hilarious prank that went unhilariously awry.

According to the Las Vegas Review-Journal, an older couple by the name of James and Laurie Ryan had won a free room at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Vegas. However, what they didn't know was that the room was filled with hidden cameras, and one other item of interest--A MUTILATED CORPSE IN THE BATHTUB. Naturally the couple screamed and tried to make a run for it, but they were stopped short by actors dressed as security guards, who made them stay until host Ashton Kutcher could arrive and let them in on the gag.

And OH! The gales of laughter rang through the halls of the Hard Rock and MTV--that is, until the couple filed a lawsuit against the two companies to the tune of $10 MILLION SMACKEROOS. "Waitasecond suddenly our joke isn't funny anymore!"

See, the problem with the Hard Rock--and with MTV in particular--is that they probably used to be run by pretty cool people in the '80s, but have now been taken over by dumb drunken frat boys. Cuz let's face it--a mutilated corpse in the bathtub is a frat-boy joke. I know this because I used to live next to a house full of frat boys, and one time they wanted me to help them shove an M-80 explosive up a dead opossum's butt. That's a frat-boy joke, and no, I didn't help them do it.

But you wanna hear about a REALLY hilarious joke I pulled? YOU DO?!? AWESOME. Okay, so there was this one college professor I hated? And he was a real dick because he didn't think I was funny and stuff? So I snuck into his office one night, took the plates off the electrical plugs, and dumped 1,000 live crickets inside his walls! So for the next six months it was, "CHIRP-CHIRP-CHIRP-CHIRP-CHIRP-CHIRP-CHIRP-CHIRP-CHIRP," until he finally went crazy and retired!! HAW-HAWW WWWW! HAW!! Now that was funny!!

And now, like once a year, I still sneak up to his house and dump a jar of live crickets through his window--just to make sure he stays crazy! HAW! HAWWWW!! Ahhhhh but like me and Coolio said earlier, it's only funny because he deserved it. And if you're thinking about "arousing my anger," you might want to remember yet another Coolio adage: "You better watch how you talkin' and where you walkin'/Or you and your homiez might be lined in chalk FOOL."