Jeremy Eaton
Okay, I am now officially AGAINST any "good ideas"! And the reason WHY I am against any "good ideas" is because "good ideas" usually generate "bad ideas" and subsequently "really shitty ideas." Example: I will admit MTV's The Osbournes was a good idea, and deserves all the accolades it received. HOWEVER! If they had any respect for their audience, they wouldn't come back for a second season; they'd stab a pencil into the show's heart and go out leaving everyone with fond memories. As it stands now, they'll probably stay on the air longer than M*A*S*H--and if you're having trouble remembering my stance on the subject, I FAWKING HATE M*A*S*H!!

And even worse, the problem with a show like The Osbournes is that it doesn't make network executives say, "Wow. That Osbournes show is really inventive. Now I'm inspired to come up with my own new and creative ideas." Rather, it makes them say, "Wow. That Osbournes show is really inventive. If I do exactly the same thing, I'll be inventive too!"

This is apparently the mindset behind a new reality series set to appear in January on the ABC Family channel, entitled My Life Is a Sitcom. And while I'd like to say they stole the idea from The Osbournes, that isn't exactly true they stole the idea from The Osbournes AND American Idol (which, I realize, is a show we stole from England--but don't stop me, I'm on a roll!).

Anyhoo, here's the premise behind My Life Is a Sitcom: The show will follow a group of judges around the country as they audition families competing for a chance to star in their own sitcom pilot. Then they'll narrow it down to 13 families, then two, and finally one family will be given their own freaking TV show, and goddammit, that's just so fawking unfair I can't fawking believe it!!

And while this is the portion of my column where I usually scream and yell that MY family never had the chance to star in their own sitcom, I have decided to forego this tried-and-true self-imposed cliché. And that's because MY family doesn't deserve a sitcom they deserve a fawking David Lynch movie!! And not a boring one like Dune, but a really creepy one like Eraserhead!

Seriously! If they shot a sitcom about MY family, one episode could be all about my greasy brother thumping lit cigarettes at me, or holding me down while drooling big loogeys into my ear! Think that's funny? How about this one? How about an episode where my twin sisters (who looked a lot like a teenage version of the twins in The Shining, except with sluttier outfits) lock me in the water-heater closet so they can make out with their biker boyfriends, or perhaps assist my brother as he drools big loogeys into my ear! Not so funny, now is it??

See, as far as I'M concerned, these other families can have their stoopid show where whimsical banter and hilarity ensues. If the Humphreys get a show, it won't be My Life Is a Sitcom--it'll be David Lynch's My Ear Is Full of Loogey!