Jeremy Eaton
As my dear old pop used to say, "SON! Opinions are like BUNGHOLES! Everybody's got one." Then he'd pause and snort, "But YOURS stinks worse than MINE! Bwaa-HA-HAA! Haaaa-Haaa-Haaaa-Haaaa-HAWWWWW!" Then he'd sink back into his recliner and slowly drift away in an alcoholic haze. But you know? The old man had a point. The opinions of certain people are worth less than those of others.

Take TV Guide, for example. They're constantly coming out with lists such as "the 50 Best this" and "the 10 Best that," which I have generally chosen to ignore, because whenever I think about it my FREAKING HEAD WANTS TO BLOW OFF!! These cretins shouldn't be allowed to choose the color of their socks, much less a list of "the 50 best"! Therefore one can imagine my ire upon discovering that TV Guide had picked "the 50 WORST Shows of All Time." That's like asking oh, I don't know a dumb person to pick 50 dumb things!

Anyhoo! Today's column will be all about discounting their stupid opinions. And while I'd love to discount all 50, I'm only interested enough to discount the top 10. Join me--won't you?--in a journey of STUPID.

1. The Jerry Springer Show: THIS is their #1 choice for WORST show?? Listen up, you milky-lickers! My Aunt Wanda appeared on that show TWICE!

2. My Mother the Car: This show was broadcast before I was born; therefore it does not exist.

3. XFL: Okay, so maybe this flop of a football league invented by the guys behind the WWF wasn't one of the best shows ever produced--but #3?? Look, pee-holes! I've got three words for you: Mad About You.

4. The Brady Bunch Hour: What?? Pish-tosh! If nothing else, this short-lived variety show proved that Robert Reed was gayer than President Gaylord McGayerson (who is pictured on the three-dollar bill).

5. Hogan's Heroes: Sirs, you have gone too far! You not only insult the comedic brilliance of the cast, and the show's by-the-book lessons in American history, you insult every POW who ever escaped captivity by tricking Schultzy with a big bowl of spaghetti!

6. Celebrity Boxing: Jesus Christ! Are you guys HIGH?? This was only the best freaking show of the year. Okay, four words for you: Touched by an Angel.

7. AfterMASH: After M*A*S*H? AFTER? How about every episode DURING M*A*S*H? Especially the ones with B. J. "Blowjob" Hunnicut??

8. Cop Rock: You're pooh-poohing singing and dancing cops? I'd rather have singing and dancing than a broomstick up the bung-chute!

9. You're In the Picture: This show was broadcast before I was born; therefore it does not exist.

10. Hee-Haw Honeys: Okay, I'm stumped. What could you possibly have against voluptuous hillbillies telling incest jokes? Two final words for you clucks: Ally McBeal.