Jeremy Eaton

You know those old "philosophy" people? Like Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle? They're full of crap. Ohhhhh, sure! They spend puh-lenty of time musing on unanswerable questions about "the meaning of life, love, and our purpose in the universe." However! They were just sitting on their fat toga-draped patooties when it came to answering the most important question of all: "Why are those people so STUPID?"

Frankly, I don't give a holy handshake about my "purpose" in the universe. The way I figure it, I'm just here to fawk some shit up and get a taste of that juicy boo-tay, bay-bay, YAHHHHHHH!! And while that may be a noble goal, it's hard to accomplish when I'm preoccupied with wondering, "Why are those people so STUPID?"

And you know the people I'm talking about, right? Those idiots in the grocery store who park their big-ass carts in the MIDDLE of the aisle, so you have to wait while they decide whether they want butterscotch or tapioca pudding. Or those people driving in front of you at a creeping 10 mph, unable to decide if they should turn on this street or the next one, while you're forced to hop up and down on your seat, banging your horn, screaming, "Oh for the love of holy Christ in heaven, DRIVE YOUR FAWKING CAR!!!!"

Yeah, it's those kind of people. But anyhoo, a new kind of "those kind of people" has been added to the list, and I thought I would tell you about them today. They are the "Parents Television Council," a group that ranks television shows by how "family friendly" they are. The shows are judged by the level of violence, sex, and dirty language they contain--as well as anything else the PTC considers "offensive."

So what made this year's list? Here's the top 10: (10) Boston Public, (9) That '70s Show, (8) Temptation Island 2, (7) CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, (6) Big Brother 2, (5) WWF Smackdown, (4) Friends, (3) Will & Grace, (2) Off Centre, and the #1 most offensive show, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. KA-BOINNNGGG! Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Well sure, Buffy may have suffered from offensively bad writing this year, but they have never claimed to be "family friendly." In fact, they put up a warning before every episode!

And what do they consider the "least" offensive shows? The top two are Doc (a show--starring the "Achy, Breaky Heart" of Billy Ray Cyrus--that no living person has ever watched) and the egregiously boring Touched on the Swimsuit Area by an Angel. Now if ya ask me, making your kids watch these piles of donkey poop is tantamount to CHILD ABUSE! If these jerkholes are that concerned about having suitable programming to watch with their brainwashed kids well, that's why they make DVDs. I'm sure Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell have produced some safe and inoffensive cartoons which show Christ being hammered onto the cross.

And while the PTC visits the Non-Offensive and Sanitized Christian Video Store, you philosophers should get off your bony-ass tuckuses and get to figuring out why those people are so STUPID. Christ! What the hell are we paying you guys for, anyway?!?