Jeremy Eaton
People of Portland! By this point I'm sure you've already chosen an appropriate song, and you're ready to knock 'em dead at the upcoming American Idol auditions What? WHAT?!? You didn't even know about the auditions?? OH, CRAP! Buddy, you are SCREWED! They are gonna eat you ALIVE! You think you can just waltz in there, burp out a Whitney Houston song, and watch the recording contract money roll in? This is SIMON COWELL we're talking about here! And he eats, and subsequently poops out, suckers like you every day!

Okay okay DON'T PANIC. First things first. Book a flight to Los Angeles for Sunday, November 17. Am I speaking some kind of foreign language here? I said, BOOK A FLIGHT TO L.A.--NOW!! Next, forge some documents. American Idol auditions are only open to those between the ages of 16 and 24 which of course would exclude the world's most talented performers (i.e., ME). That's why you should go to that really creepy mechanic's shop across town and get a fake driver's license. Whoops. I'm sorry. Maybe I'm not speaking clearly. GET A FAKE ID--NOW!!

Next let's deal with your clothing issues. I see you're thinking about wearing something comfortable--a pair of loose jeans and a nice top. I can also see that you're INSANE!! You think that snoozy outfit is going to get you noticed? Sure, singing ability is important, but even more important is your sweet and juicy BOO-TAY. Sugar, you gotta flaunt that sweet meat! And take it from me, the best way to show off your best "side" is a pair of buttless lowrider pants. You can go crotchless, but I would advise sticking a smiley-face or something over your cooter. You don't want to seem like you're trying too hard.

Okay plane ticket, fake ID, buttless pants what's next? Oh, YEAH. Your song. When you step up in front of Simon, Paula Abdul, and Randy Jackson, you will be asked to sing a song a cappella (which, literally translated, means "like a dork"). But before we choose one, let's concentrate on something I like to call "psychological manipulation." That means before you sing, you should introduce yourself and dedicate the song to someone in your family who has suffered a personal tragedy. That dingleberry Jim Verraros told the judges his parents were deaf (Wotta crock!) and made it to the top 10! Therefore, you should say, "Hello, judges. My name is Blahdy-Blahdy Bloo-Bloo, and I would like to dedicate this version of the Georgia Satellites' 'Keep Your Hands to Yourself' to my brother Darrell, who has gonorrhea." I'm telling ya, there won't be a dry seat in the house!!

As for your song, stay away from Celine Dion, Whitney Houston, or that slut Christina Aguilera. The judges have heard it all before. Pick something really memorable, like rapper Nelly's "Hot in Herre," or any of Paula Abdul's many failed songs. Once she sees that you can sing her songs better than she does, how can she not vote for you? However, you are NOT allowed to dance around the stage, banging a big bass drum, singing "I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say No."

That's MY song, yo!