Jeremy Eaton
Annoying.com

There's an old adage that goes, "50 million Elvis fans can't be wrong." That is to say, it doesn't matter if you DON'T like Elvis--there are 50 million people who DO like Elvis, and therefore your opinion about Elvis is crap. But here's another example: CSI: Miami. Even though I've said 35 kazillion times that this program is the worst-acted show on television, guess who won the best new drama honor at the People's Choice Awards? I guess that means I'm not "people," because it certainly wasn't my fawking "CHOICE!"

However, just because I don't always agree with the majority's opinion, it doesn't mean I'm not interested in hearing what they have to say and then making fun of them in a public forum--such as I Love Television™. And a great place to look up the majority's opinion on TV stars and other celebs is AmIAnnoying.com.

Based on other successful websites like AmIHot.com, AmIAnnoying.com is particularly gratifying because it allows the common Joe or Jane an opportunity to vent about such really annoying celebrities as Alan Fawking Alda! You just go to the website, type in the name, and cast your vote on that person's level of annoyingness. Take it from me! It's faster and safer than getting arrested for stalking and second-degree battery.

However! Sometimes AmIAnnoying.com can be VeryAnnoyingIndeed.com--as with their Most Annoying of 2002 list! After tabulating a year's worth of votes from the general public, they compiled a list of the 100 most annoying public figures. AND ONCE AGAIN, the majority's unceasing desire to disagree with me is really ANNOYING!!

While I'm not kicking and screaming about the number one choice on the "annoying" list (Martha Stewart), I strongly disagree with the ranking of other celebs--such as Ben "Dude, You're Getting a Dell!" Curtis (number 10). He is at least as annoying as that psychic jerk, John Edward (number seven), and far more annoying than the number eight choice, Nostradamus (isn't that guy dead?).

See, I strongly believe that once you die, you shouldn't be considered annoying, because well, you're DEAD! But that didn't stop the voters on AmIAnnoying.com; they've decided that Judge Judy (#20) is somehow less annoying than Hideki Tojo (#17), the long-dead Japanese general who approved the attack on Pearl Harbor! And even worse? Voters consider Jennifer Lopez (#51) to be more annoying than Mohamed Atta (#52), the accused leader of the 9/11 hijackers! I mean, C'MON! "Jenny from the Block" is worse than the twin towers attack?!?

And while I agree that Osama bin Laden (#29) should be ranked above pop star Avril Lavigne (#36), I believe that naming your hit song "Sk8er Boi" is an unconscionable act of WAR.

But here's the question I'm sure you're all asking: "What about Alan Fawking Alda?" Well, my friends, HE DIDN'T EVEN MAKE THE LIST. This not only proves my point--that I am RIGHT and everyone else is WRONG--but it further proves that there is no GOD. (But if there were, I bet he would be #83 on the list, right before Carrot Top [#84].)