You know it's really unfortunate that I never got around to making a documentary about Michael Jackson. Because if I did, I would be so rich I'd be backstrokin' in a fur-lined swimming pool filled with cognac, and doing cannonballs off a diving board made of compressed cocaine into the waiting arms of an army of hookers who look just like Jennifer Garner.
Remember back in the old days of television (I'm talking about four weeks ago) when the only subject that interested the networks was "reality TV"? Now it's all "Michael Jackson THIS!" or "Michael Jackson THAT!" In fact, as of press time, CBS is the only major network that hasn't produced a mock-shockumentary on the "King of Pop." Why call them "mock-shockumentaries"? Because it isn't exactly "breaking news" that Michael Jackson is as crazy as a bedbug gargling a three-shot amphetamine espresso!
What's that you say? Michael Jackson lied about having multiple face surgeries (as seen on NBC's Michael Jackson Unmasked)? HOLY POOP!!! Michael Jackson isn't exactly "daddy material" (as seen on ABC's Living with Michael Jackson)? OMIGOD!!! Michael Jackson is unhappy with accusations that he isn't exactly "daddy material" (as will be seen on Fox's Michael Jackson Take 2, Thursday the 20th, 8 p.m.)? CRAP!!! THERE GOES ANOTHER PAIR OF UNDERPANTS!!!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Michael Jackson kind of a slow-moving target? If they're gonna make a documentary about a crazy person, why not start with George W. Bush? Now there's somebody who's got enough "crazy" to fill three Mariah Careys! (On second thought, maybe it isn't in our best interest to make fun of somebody who controls the world's largest nuclear arsenal.) Never mind I said that, Georgie! You just go back to annexing the globe and drooling down your shirt.
But regardless of my personal feelings on the subject, I'm not a discernible idiot! Therefore, I'm going to make a billion dollars by producing my own Michael Jackson documentary! Don't believe me? Well I'll have you know I just sent off an e-mail to Mr. Jackson himself outlining what I plan to accomplish with my special. Wanna see what I wrote? YES, YOU DO!!
"Hey, Michael Jackson: longtime fan, first-time writer. Anyway, I want to make a documentary about you--and before you say, 'Omigod, I'm going to throw myself off my 500-foot-tall replica of Peter Pan!' I want you to know that MY documentary will be COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. While other filmmakers try to make you look crazy, I want to prove that you really are crazy, by making a film in which you run around murdering all these other documentary filmmakers!
Anyway, that's my idea it's GREAT, isn't it? Let me know what you think! Oh, and say hi to the kids. (By the way, if you don't mind me saying so, you should stop feeding the baby while he's wearing a veil. It kind of makes you look crazy!) Yer pal, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me."