I love May! And the reason I love May is because the warm sunshine beams down upon my juicy bits, causing it to double in both length and girth. And that alone is reason enough to sing and skip around all nudie-like in small concentric circles in my front yard! "Tra-la!" I sing, "Tra-la!" I sing, "It's May, it's May, it's MAY!"
And then the police car pulls up, and once again my favorite month is ruined.
However! I am not the type of person to let my ever-growing criminal record interfere with my enjoyment of the greatest goddam month in the world, MAY! Because the other wowzy-wonderous thing about May is that it's time once again for the television "sweeps"! This is an exciting time for the networks, and while they may not be skipping around their front yards naked, singing and diddling with their fiddles, "sweeps" is when they bring out their best and brightest shows in an effort to improve ratings, and milk advertisers out of every last cent! Tra-LA! Tra-LA! Tra-LA!
Plus, this "sweeps" season is particularly thrilling because it will be ass-crammed full of marriages, murders, and menstruation! Here are just a few melodious May examples.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (May 20, UPN)--Like a dagger to the heart, Buffy and the gang are looking at their final episode and if you ask me, GOOD RIDDANCE! Much like the Seinfeld finale, all the old fogies are coming back for one last hurrah. There's Faith, Angel, and knowing our luck, probably the world's most annoying lesbian, Tara.
Dawson's Crack (May 14, WB)--Six seasons SIX SEASONS and this show is finally getting the kick in the nutsack it deserves. The final episode will take a peek five years into the future where hopefully Dawson will get plastic surgery to relieve us from the distorted horror that is his face.
Beverly Hills 90210: 10-Year High School Reunion (May 11, Fox)--Though Tori Spelling is snubbing this reunion special (but Shannen Doherty will be on hand ka-BOING!), this is still the perfect opportunity to see if Luke Perry's hair implants fell out.
Hitler: 10-Year High School Reunion (May 18 and 20, CBS)--Okay, so maybe it's not a reunion special but you know he'd like it to be! This made-for-TV spectacular stars Trainspotting's Robert Carlyle as the mustachioed goose-steppin' rat bastard, and promises to shed new light on the dictator who ranks right up there with Saddam Hussein (according to Donald Rumsfeld).
7th Heaven (May 19, WB)--Taking a close third to Hitler and Saddam Hussein, the Camden family of 7th Heaven flip their collective lids in this season-ending stunner when little Ruthie gets her first period! Do I smell a bloody-tampon spinoff? (Okay, I think that was the grossest thing I've ever written in this column. Tra-la-LAAAAAAAAA!)