Jeremy Eaton
The Real Ennui

Like a particularly stubborn case of the genital herpes, The Real World is making its 13th comeback--and this time it's more superfluous than ever! What started off as a grand social experiment--stick seven young adults in a house to see if they can overcome their sociological and olfactory differences--has evolved into an extended sex romp with background music by Puddle of Mudd and a hot tub subbing as a petri dish. And yet they just keep coming back! It's like a zombie movie, except all the zombies have nice haircuts and eight-minute abs!

Anyhoo, after a couple of dullsville seasons--including an impossibly snoozy one in Las Vegas--The Real World is being shipped off to Paris, France. Which I can only assume is punishment for some sort of heinous crime. I mean, c'mon! France hates us, we hate France I'm sure if the French had the mental capability, they'd bomb the shit out of us!

But don't get me wrong! I'm not one of those backwoods Republican hick congressmen who keep trying to change the name of French fries to "We shore did kick the shit out of them Iraqi towel-heads, yeeee-HAW!" fries. But let's face facts: French people are very different from us (e.g., they smell), and we should respect these differences by avoiding their country and pretending they don't exist.

Now, I've never been to France myself, but I've seen a lot of my friends travel to that country, and they never come back quite right. For example, take this tale of two chicks, both of whom I've porked. One went to Mexico, and came back with a great tan, a chiles rellenos recipe, and ready to bone. The other went to France, and came back with a completely useless knowledge of cheese, the pallor of a goddam ghost, and an advanced case of French scabies. (Note: "French" scabies are a particularly virulent strain, known to live in the filthy confines of pencil-thin mustaches.)

And where is our freaking "Department of Homeland Security" during this Real World: Paris crisis? Are they simply going to stand by while these Frogs brainwash our youth, teaching them to smoke cigarettes and pooh-pooh America while gargling bottles of Bordeaux in roadside cafes? Can America stand for seven more twentynothings who refuse to change their shirts after 19 days of constant wear? "Au contraire, mon frère!"

Seems to me, as long as we're throwing national security to the wind, we should send these freedom-hating punks to a different country entirely! Tell me this: How does The Real World: North Korea sound? Perhaps these smart-ass kids would be whistling a different tune after finding themselves working a 25-hour shift in one of North Korea's nuclear missile plants, combing Kim Jong Il's mink swimming pool, and having to chase down an emaciated dog for lunch. (And I'm talking about EATING the dog!)

But go on! Don't listen to me! Go ahead and watch The Real World: Paris debuting on Tuesday, June 3, at 10 p.m. on the MTV. However, don't come crying to me when these scabies-infected skanks return to the states. Trust me, it's gonna make SARS look like a trip to the ice-cream factory!