Jeremy Eaton
For Rizzle, My Pizzles

Oh, how I do enjoy the linguistic gymnasticities of modern-day "rap" music! It's far better than honky music, because, let's face it--honkies have had hundreds of years to do something creative with the English language, and they haven't come up with jack-doody! And to once again prove I'm right, let's do one of my famous I Love Television™ "Comparison-Contrast" Experiments™.

Okay, today's comparative topic is "romance." And while many celebrated honkies have written on the subject, let's go to the so-called "greatest honky author of all time," William Shakespeare, to see what he says about the vagaries of love.

"O me, what eyes hath Love put in my head,/Which have no correspondence with true sight!/If that be fair whereon my false eyes dote/The sun itself sees not till heaven clears./Lest eyes well-seeing thy foul faults should find."--from "Sonnet CXLVIII."

Okay, as we can see, that pretty much blows ass-warts. But by way of comparison, let's see what one of the "Bards of Rap," Mr. Ice Cube, has to say about the enduring and oft-written topic of "romance."

"I felt on the big fat fanny/Pulled out the jammy, and killed the punanny/And my jimmy runs deep, so deep/So deep it put her butt to sleep."--from "It Was a Good Day."

With all due respect to those who love the "classics," if William Shakespeare lived to be a thousand, he could never come up with a line as concisely brilliant as "my jimmy runs so deep it put her butt to sleep." It's simply impossible. And yet our colleges continue to be ass-packed full of classes teaching the useless prose and poetry of Shakespeare, Dickinson, and Wordsworth! Where are the classes expounding on the poetic wisdom of Biggie Smalls? Of Lil' Kim? Of that Screwface Ghost Baby Killa person?

Therefore it appears that the education of today's youth is left once again in the capable hands of our electronic sensei, television. And as a potent example, you may want to tune in to MTV on Sunday, June 22, at 10:00 p.m. for the season premiere of Doggy Fizzle Televizzle--a half-hour comedy/variety series starring one of this century's most accomplished wordsmiths, Snoop Dogg.

You see, Professor Dogg wisely uses the forum of "comedy" to spread his theories of advanced linguistics, as when he poses as an employee of Arby's and tries to "mack on them ho's" from the drive-through window. Or when he does a shot-for-shot reenactment of the R. Kelly sex video with the lascivious help of an old lady. Or when he disguises himself as a substitute teacher for a class of seven- year-olds, teaching songs such as "This Old Pimp" and "Old Mack Daddy Smoked Some Crack."

And while some egomaniacal old-school professors of etymology may pooh-pooh the Snoop for merely adding "izzle" to the ends of his words (ex., "It's off tha hizzle, fo' shizzle, my nizzle"), I think it's pretty obvious that the D-O-double-gizzle beats Willizzle Shakespizzle any day of the wizzle! And that's fo' rizzle, my pizzles. (Will someone please let me know what I'm talking about?!?)