When identifying those at the bottom of the journalistic food chain, you can bet your fruity booty that no one is lower than the television critic. AND THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD STAY! You think radio DJs and movie critics are ugly? Brrrrrrrrr! At least they're occasionally let out of the house! TV critics are the most disgusting and lowest of all life forms; parasites who live off the scraps of more respectable journalistic endeavors in a vain, hopeless attempt to score some pussy. PUSSY THEY WILL NEVER RECEIVE!
Naturally I get pussy, but that's because when it comes to making nicey-nice with the lady folk, I rely not on my TV criticism pedigree, but rather the juicy hindquarters that reside inside my pants--also known as the "Spiral-Cut Honey Baked Ham" YAAAAAAHHH, Mommy!
But anyhoo, now that we've established that TV critics are both ugly and ridiculous, let me tell you how they are even more ridiculous. Last week, members of the Television Critics Association (an organization I have mysteriously never been asked to join) got together to award their favorite shows in what was surely another ill-fated attempt to get some pussy. For best drama, they elected NBC's Boomtown. SNORE! For best news and information show, they picked Frontline. SNORE! For best comedy, they chose The Daily Show. SNO waitasecond. That was a pretty good choice.
But here's my point! These self-righteous non-pussy-getting pee-holes already have a forum for their stoopid opinions on the best and worst TV shows, and it's called their BORING TV COLUMNS. What about you?!? You don't get crap! You have feelings, too! And just because you're beautiful and get pussy on a regular basis, doesn't mean your opinions don't count!
And that's where the Humpy Awards™ come in! It's an opportunity for YOU, the perky-nippled TV viewer, to chime in with your choice for best and worst shows. So you want to play? Yes, you DO! Here are the categories:
BEST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY SHOW: Is it Boston Public? Is it The View? Is it Law & Order: Special Victims Unit? I don't know, and it's not my choice! VOTE!
BEST ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES I'D LIKE TO PORK: Guy, girl, robot, dog, ottoman; you name it, you pork it. Because it's YOUR VOTE.
BEST SHOW THAT NOBODY ELSE SEEMS TO LIKE EXCEPT ME: Hey! You're not the crazy one, they are! Prove it by casting your vote. And who knows? Maybe some other psychopath agrees with you.
BEST REALITY SHOW THAT HASN'T BEEN INVENTED YET: Come up with your own reality show--one that preferably doesn't suck!
MY FAVORITE TV SHOW IN THE WORLD: Past, present, currently running, or canceled, here's your chance to give props where props are due!
Send in your votes NOW to email@example.com, and in two weeks or so, I'll give the results. And remember TV critics only have a tiny amount of power and happiness in their lives; won't it be fun to take it all away?