Jeremy Eaton
The 42nd Annual Humpy Awards™

[Drum roll, cue announcer.] Ladies and Gentlemen, LIVE from the Ramada Inn conference room it's the 42nd Annual Humpy Awards™ with Wm.™ Steven Humphrey!

[Cue canned applause.] Hello everyone, and welcome to the Humpy Awards™. [Dramatic pause.] Television it's a porthole to the septic tank of our souls. That's why I've asked my readers to vote for their favorite shows! So without further ado, let's get to our first category

BEST UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY SHOW: And your nominees are (1) Paradise Hotel (Fox, Wed, 9 pm), a truly tragic reality show where the contestants are as egomaniacal as they are desperate. (2) Crossing Over with John Edward (Sci Fi, Mon, 1 am), wherein a "psychic" communicates with dead people, as well as the viewers who wish he were dead. (3) Beastmaster (check local listings), a hero who can control animals, but not the beast within his loincloth, and (4) Your Local Evening News, where pancake-clad robots explain local events, while acting like they give a shit. And the winner is Crossing Over with John Edward! Congratulations to you, John, and to all the dead people who got you where you are today.

Next category BEST ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES I'D LIKE TO PORK: And your nominees are (1) Elisha Cuthbert, the kidnappable daughter of Jack Bauer on Fox's 24. (2) That Croatian doctor on ER. I can't remember his name either. (3) Eliza Dushku who played Faith, the saucy slayer on Buffy, and (4) Tom Welling, the beefcake Superboy of Smallville. And the winner is TOM WELLING from Smallville! I totally agree, folks. When it comes to porking, Tom Welling is my "other white meat."

Next category BEST SHOW THAT NOBODY ELSE LIKES EXCEPT ME: And your nominees are (1) World Poker Tour (Travel Channel, Wed, 9 pm); making poker as exciting as boning Tom Welling. (2) Gilmore Girls (WB, Tues, 8 pm); they're sweet, funny, and completely bone-able. (3) Banzai (Fox, Sun, 8:30 pm); manages to be both annoying and brilliant, and (4) Supermarket Sweep (PAX, weekdays, 6 pm), a game show designed specifically for the morbidly obese. And the winner is Supermarket Sweep! Accepting the award for Sweep is a plastic bag of cellulite found inside a liposuction dumpster.

And the final category. MY FAVORITE TV SHOW IN THE WORLD: And your nominees are (1) The first five seasons of Buffy. (2) All but the last four seasons of The Simpsons. (3) The first season of Twin Peaks, and (4) the one and only season of My So-Called Life. And the winner is all but the last four seasons of The Simpsons! Though the first 11 seasons of The Simpsons couldn't be with us tonight, the last four seasons would like to say, "Go fuck yourselves."

That's all the time we have for this evening, but be sure to join us next week when we reveal YOUR ideas for new reality shows! Until then, from all of us here at the Humpy Awards™, keep your ass on the couch and your eyes toward the stars! [Cue canned applause I said, CUE CANNED APPLAUSE!! Goddamn stoopid technology!]