Jeremy Eaton
You've Got "Pork-a-bility"

Frankly, I've had it. Every year around this time, I put forth my predictions on what will be the hottest new shows of the fall season. And every year, I find my "hot new shows" have been canceled within three weeks!

I meanÉ what the FAWK?!?

I've been doing this stoopid job for almost 10 years, and I still can't seem to get it right! I've built fancy TV-prediction computers, hired turban-wearing psychics, and even kidnapped an idiot-savant monkey from the zoo--and I STILL can't pick a decent TV show to save my life! I swear to Christ, if I were the boss of me? I'd kick my delicious honey-baked ham out on the street! However! In a pathetic last-ditch effort to save myself from the shame of unemployment, I've developed a FOOLPROOF method of predicting successful television shows. And it's calledÉ "THE PORK-A-BILITY FACTOR."

Network executives spend billions each year coming up with new and unusual shows to lure in viewers. However, when all is said and done, the success or failure of a show depends solely on one factor: "pork-a-bility," or, put more simply, whether there's someone on the show viewers want to pork. Think I'm crazy? Well, I am crazy--like a syphilis-infected fox! That's why this year I'm choosing ALL my hot fall preview picks based on "THE PORK-A-BILITY FACTOR," and those other critics who select their favorites based on stuff like "plot," "character development," and "acting ability" can eat my ass!

LAS VEGAS (NBC, Mondays, 9 pm, debuts Sept 22). Forget Des Moines, Iowa! Las Vegas is the "pork" capital of the world, baby! And this new show proves it with a cast that's simply pork-tastic: bootylicious Nikki Cox, newcomer Josh Duhamel, supermodel Molly Sims, and the man who's seen more pork than a supervisor at the Jimmy Dean Sausage factory, James "Mother-Effin'" Caan.

TARZAN (WB, Sundays, 9 pm, debuts Oct 5). Calvin Klein underpants model Travis Fimmel stars as the honky ape-man Tarzan, and though every critic in America has given this show the thumbs-down, it's one of my fall faves. Why? UhÉ hello? TARZAN IS PORK-ABLE. (I sure wouldn't mind swinging from his "vine." HA-CHA-CHA!)

KAREN SISCO (ABC, Wednesdays, 10 pm, debuts Oct 1). Stepping into the role popularized by J.Lo in Out of Sight, Carla Gugino (Spy Kids) portrays a foxy mamacita who enjoys slapping cuffs on men--as a U.S. marshal! If Alias is starting to make you droopy, the pork-tagious Karen Sisco could be your "other white meat."

SKIN (Fox, Mondays, 9 pm, debuts Oct 20). Think of it as a porno version of Romeo and Juliet. WaitÉ don't think of it that way. Think Dawson's Creek, except Dawson is a bible-thumper and Joey has a penis in her mouth. NoÉ wait. Just think of it as Hottie-McTotty Olivia Wilde and D.J. Cotrona starring as young lovers from very different families; one is the son of a self-righteous DA who hates smut, and the other is the daughter of a pornographer. This show is a definite potboiler, and these two sexpots remind me of another Shakespeare classic: Porkio and Drooliet!