It seems a few of you have noticed me hanging around the boys' department at Target. So before my name ends up in the tabloids, let's quickly nip this one in the bud: I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE. At least not in the classic sense. There was that incident with the mayor's daughter--but is it MY fault they make fake IDs so realistic??
But back to the boys' department at Target. If you MUST know, that's where I buy a lot of my more colorful articles of clothing. Have you noticed that all the clothes in the men's department have been systematically drained of all color? That's why I shop in Target's boys' section, because they have clothes for the REALLY fat kid.
And I'm not talking about merely tubby; these kids are SUPER-DUPER FAT. And while a boys' size 16 still makes these kids look like a bowling ball shoved inside a condom, these snug shirts make ME look even more desirable and comely than usual. So three cheers for Target and three cheers for the really FAT kids--thanks to you, my style quotient has shot through the roof!
Now, before you think I'm "pooh-poohing" fat kids, let me tell you something: Fat people have got it eaaaaaaasy. They can eat whatever they want, and they always look the same size--FAT. But me? If I eat a goddamn doughnut, I have to rush out for an emergency pair of stretch pants (located in aisle three of the Target boys' department)!
Another example: I'm in the grocery store the other day, right? (The frozen-food section in particular; it's the best place to pick up the chicks and Charlies. Laugh if you will, but there's something about frozen peas that makes people want to bone.) And I notice fat people have their own meals! You've heard of Swanson Hungry-Man dinners, right? If you're like me, you grew up sitting in front of the TV, chowing down on their "Boneless White Meat Fried Chicken with Mashed Potatoes, Corn, and Chocolate Pudding." And they're called "Hungry-Man" because it's, like, a POUND of food, right? Well, apparently that's not enough for certain fat people because now they have "Hungry-Man XXL"--which weighs in at a POUND AND A HALF per serving! That's a lot of fawking meatloaf, yo!
And get this! That fat guy from CBS' The King of Queens is on the package! I LOVE THIS. It's like he's saying, "Be proud of your size! Eat this pound and a half of 'Angus Beef Meatloaf,' which contains enough salt to fill your daily requirement for three weeks." Personally I think it's inspiring; he's like the Kate Moss for fat people!
Anyway, I like fat people; I just thought that was weird. I'm almost out of space for this week, but before I'm accused of being a pedophile with a TV column that never talks about television, let me remind you that Tarzan debuts this Sunday (October 5) at 9 pm on the WB, starring Calvin Klein supermodel Travis Fimmel. And since Travis has minus .25 percent body fat, I think Swanson should create a dinner for him, too! They could call it "Hungry--No, I Really Mean It, I'm Starving--Man Dinner XXS." Available soon in your grocer's freezer (or maybe the boys' department at Target).