Jeremy Eaton
It's not in my best interest to say this, but this year's slate of new fall shows closely resembles a rusty bucket full of donkey droppings. And I'm talking about the droppings from a donkey's bottom! See, the way we TV critics keep our jobs is by finding a show--any show--to champion. Otherwise we have nothing to write about except how we like to buy our clothes in the fat kids' department at Target (see last week's I ♥ Television™).

Unfortunately for my employment, almost every single new show that's come out thus far sucks big hairy hippo hemorrhoids. The Lyon's Den? Sucks. Las Vegas? Sucks. Two and a Half Men? Three and a half SUCKS. One Tree Hill? Oh my sweet Christ, does it SUCK. Coupling? Only if you like genital warts--otherwise it SUCKS.

Then there are the "sort of sucks" shows like Cold Case (whose pork-able star deserves much better), The Handler (which would be far better if Joe Pantoliano would lose that stoopid hat) and Tarzan (which is the most unintentionally hilarious show ever made).

And finally there are the shows that haven't debuted yet--but already suck. There's Skin (debuting Oct 20), Tru Calling starring Eliza "Faith" Dushku (debuting Oct 30), and (on Nov 2) The OrtegasÉ which must suck, because who would make a TV show about hard taco shells?

That's why until The O.C. returns, my NEW favorite show is an OLD favorite--Smallville (WB, Wednesdays, 8 pm). Now, I have a hell of a time trying to convince people of the blatant superiority of this show, so what's going to happen right now is you're going to sit down, shut the fawk up, and listen to my unerringly correct argument about Smallville.

First of all, Smallville has the sexiest teenagers--BY A FREAKING LONG SHOT. Kristin Kreuk as Lana Lang is a goddamn baby doll, and Tom Welling as Clark Kent is built like a Greco-Roman shithouse. Even the dorks on this show look better than any of those slabs of droopy meat on The O.C. This show is a virtual pork-athalon!

Second, unlike other characters in teen dramas, the kids on Smallville have ZERO experience in the sack. The only time Clark's tongue slips into Lana's mouth is when he's hopped up on red kryptonite (which is the Smallville equivalent of Ecstasy, and the Humpy equivalent of an eyedropper of liquor). Why is this a positive attribute? Because the sexual tension on Smallville is through the freaking roof! These characters are so full of rampant hormones, it's only a matter of time before somebody (probably me) ends up with a pantload of super goo!

And finally, the kids on Smallville are as dumb as a box of hammers--just like real teenagers! I've had it with the smart-mouth wiseass antics of those 30-year-old teens from Dawson's Crack. The Smallville teens are confused, dumb, and mopeyÉ just like me at that age. Of course, I didn't have x-ray vision, but I did own a pair of x-ray glasses.

So my advice to you is to forget television entirely--that is, until Wednesdays, when Smallville comes on. And tune in next week for my brand-new column, entitled "Superboy, You, and a Pantload of Goo."