Jeremy Eaton
Okay, so right now? I don't give a CRAP about TV! Something mind-bendingly earthshattering has occurred--and you want ME to write about stoopid TV shows? Well, kiss my grits, pal! Right now I'm too concerned about the fate of the fawking human race to give you the latest gossip about Coupling. (That's for later on in this column.) What I'm worried about is something called "Monkeys controlling killer robots--WITH THEIR MINDS!!"

And just so you know, this isn't the usual sort of pooh-pooh I make up on a regular basis. This is FREAKING SCIENTIFIC FACT, man! Okay, so buried in last week's newspaper was the following story, horrifically entitled, "Monkeys Taught Mind Control." And I plagiarize (italics mine): "Duke University Medical Center researchers have taught rhesus monkeys to use brain signals to control the movement of a robotic arm." And get this! "The monkeys learned to manipulate the robot arm as if it were their own limb."

But hold on; IT GETS WORSE. The story continues, "The research could help in the development of technology that would enable paralyzed people to use brain signals to control mechanical artificial limbs--or even send commands to free roaming helper 'neurorobots. '"

Okay, obviously this is SO WRONG on SO MANY levels. First of all, that means no more making fun of paralyzed people. One Christopher Reeve crack, and the next thing you know, you're suddenly trapped in a dark alley surrounded by his evil thought-controlled neuro-bots!

But frankly, Christopher Reeve is the least of my concerns. Here we are worried about the dangers of cloning, and behind our backs scientists are not only bringing Planet of the Apes to life--they're adding in The Terminator as well! Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Charlton Heston have enough problems with those damn dirty apes when they were carrying rifles on horseback? And now these scientists want to furnish these hairy megalomaniacs with thought-controlled ROBOTS?!? See, I'm not the crazy one here! THEY ARE!!!

Trust me! These monkeys are NOT fawking around! The second you turn your back, you're going to find a robotic arm shoved up your rump! AndÉ andÉ that's all I have to say. Now back to the subject of television.

Today's topic: NBC is in deep trouble. In fact, if I were to compare NBC to a type of dead person, I'd say it's the guy floating face-down in the swimming pool. NBC is literally incapable of producing anything but crap, and is quickly losing its "must see TV" status. Former NBC stalwarts like Friends and The West Wing are swirling down the toilet, followed by the chunky bits of new fall shows such as Coupling, Miss Match, The Lyon's Den, Happy Family, and the excremental Whoopi. And why is this happening? It's fairly simple.

Because NBC and the rest of you FOOLS are completely ignoring the TRUTH! The entire human race is about to be CRUSHED ALIVE by monkey-controlled automatons and Christopher Reeve's evil neuro-bots--therefore nobody gives a shit about Miss Fawking Match!

Laugh if you want, but when you get a face full of monkey poop thrown by a 30-foot-tall clanking robot--don't come crying to me.