Jeremy Eaton
Today's column is entitled "Sitcoms Make Me Vomit." And after reading this headline you may say, "Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me! True, sitcoms occasionally nauseate, but do they actually cause people to vomit? Ohhhh, ho, ho, ho. I think not." WellÉ SCREW YOU! I know vomit when I see it, and currently "it" is covering the tops of my shoes!!

For those who still think my job is a fawking trip to the cotton-candy factory--sitting on my plump 'n' juicy honey-baked ham, watching hour after hour of Smallville's Tom Welling taking his shirt off--you couldn't be more mistaken! As a TV columnist I'm FORCED to watch EVERYTHING. Therefore it's necessary to watch hours of Tom Welling taking his shirt off, just to wash the vomit from my palate after viewing all these craptastic sitcoms!

For example, there's ABC's 8 Simple Rules. Originally, John Ritter starred as an old fogy trying to stop horny boys from porking his daughter. Was it funny? Not at all. BUT GET THIS! Now John Ritter is deadÉ and IT'S STILL NOT FUNNY! Whoooooo! Whoooooo! Hey, ABC; hear that noise? That's the "clue train" coming, and it's going to Cancellation Land! Alllllllll ABOARRRRRRRD!

Another comedy premise that makes my chilidog lunch leap out of my stomach is the "Fat, Ugly Guy with the Hot Wife" sitcom. Now, I'm not denying that occasionally a fat, ugly guy--THROUGH SHEER DUMB LUCK--sometimes winds up with a hot, sexy wife. There are all sorts of reasons for this. Perhaps she's blind--or maybe retarded. But here's my point: There are dozens of sitcoms with this premise, which is statistically fawking impossible!! The worst offender is, of course, According to Jim, starring ugly, fat guy Jim Belushi and hot wife Courtney Thorne-Smith. What a waste of a sweet piece of ass! Just the thought of that blubbery whale on top of that juicy mama makes me want to BLEAAHHHHHH!

Then there's the smart-mouth sassy kids. Ohhhhh boy, don't get me started! I swear to Christ if MY kid ever shot his mouth off to me like those rotten punks in the sitcoms? They'd be starring in their own sitcom, called Thank God My Mom's a Dentist. Smack! Ker-POW! Ker-BLAM! Whammo! Snap, crackle, POP! Strangle, strangle, throw, CRASH, Aiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee, plop. Yeah, that's right, you wisecracking pissant. Where's your smart-ass comeback NOW?

However! There's ONE sitcom that doesn't make me vomit, and it's Arrested Development (Fox, Sundays, 9:30 pm). Jason Bateman--who used to make me vomit in The Hogan Family, but not anymore--stars as the only sane member in a house filled with rich eccentrics. But! It doesn't have a stupid laugh track, it doesn't have a fat husband/sexy wife, the smart-ass kids are actually likable, and it co-stars David Motherfreakin' Cross (Mr. Show)!!

Next to HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm, Arrested Development is the best-written comedy on TV. Therefore I can eat whatever I want, and enjoy this wonderful situation comedy in absolute safety from any vomitous results. HmmmÉ I wonder if there are any more of those three-week-old mussels left in the fridge?