Jeremy Eaton

The holidays are just around the corner and that means one thing: YOU need to know what to get ME for Christmas. For example, here's an actual e-mail from concerned reader and gift-giver Branden P. Finley:

"ARE YOU ASHAMED BY THE SIZE OF YOUR PENIS? Magna-RX Patch is the worlds [sic] most effective Male Enlargement product with over 10,000 satisfied customers worldwide. Our Breakthrough Patch is Doctor recommended, and made from the purest 100% natural ingredients. One Magna-RX Patch a day is all you need to: Increase your penis by 2 to 5 full inches. Stop Premature Ejaculation. "

Branden, thank you for your generous gift idea. And while I appreciate the thought, I'm just not sure if these penis patches actually work. I've got six of them wrapped around my penis as we speak, and it hasn't grown an inch. And while it did stop my premature ejaculation, it also seems to have stopped all blood and urine flow. So maybe we should think of something else.

HEY! Here's a GREAT idea! If you really want to make me the happiest boy in the world, get me this: The starring role in the new Scarface TV miniseries! As you know, the 1983 Brian De Palma classic starring Al Pacino is one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces in history. In the movie, Pacino plays Tony Montana, a potty-mouthed Cuban refugee who washes ashore in Miami and uses his wits (while avoiding the occasional chainsaw) to become one of the most powerful drug lords ever to pork Michelle Pfeiffer.

And for those of us who can't get enough of a good thing, the USA Network (which shows Scarface every other day) is planning a TV miniseries based on this classic of the modern cinema! Will it be a watered-down replication of Tony Montana's violent exploits? WHO CARES. All I know is I want to play TONY MONTANA.

Trust me, I was born to play this part! See, just like Tony, I came from humble beginnings, and used violence and salty language to fight my way to the top. For example, once during elementary school recess? Mr. Gomez, my drama teacher, informed me that he had cast one of the Diaz brothers instead of me as "Chino" in our school's production of West Side Story. And you know what I told him? "Fawk Mr. Gomez, and fawk the fawkin' Diaz brothers! I bury those cock-a-roaches!"

I sat in detention for three weeks.

And then there was the time my mom took me to Toytown, USA. I had never been in a toy store that big, and I exclaimed, "It's paradise! Dis Toytown is like a great big poosy--jus' waitin' to get fawked!"

It took two security guys to pull my mom off of me.

Do you see? FINALLY? I am the living embodiment of Tony Montana! So if you wanna get me the perfect gift, just set me up with a meeting with the USA Network casting directors. I'll walk right up to them, whip it out, and yell, "Say hello to my leedle friend!" Followed by, "Can you guys help me remove these penis patches? They're really starting to burn!"