Jeremy Eaton
Okay, since you're obviously having trouble deciding what kind of present to get me for Christmas, let me help you narrow it down. I DON'T want tube socks! I DON'T want a stupid card with nothing in it! And I especially DON'T want anything "handmade"! Look, if you don't give a shit about me, just say so. Don't give me your retarded-looking homemade candle or soap-on-a-rope and expect me to be thrilled.

I like expensive electronic things, I like meshy underpants things, I like drinky things, and I like cocaine-y things. I also like television-y things (especially 64-inch flat-screen plasma television-y things). I will accept television-y things that cost less, but if they're stoopid, I will personally come to your home and put my foot up your ho-ho-hole. The problem, of course, is that many of the television-y gifts offered by the networks are almost exclusively stoopid. Naturally, if I were working there, I'd come up with some truly inspired television-y gifts for the holidays. For exampleÉ.

At www.shopnbc.com, the NBC network has a wide variety of horseshit, including Frasier baseball caps, ER scrub pants, and the disgustingly uninteresting Law & Order cocoa mug. Now, if I were in charge, I'd come up with something really interesting, likeÉ.

The "Must See TV" Failed Sitcom Graveyard Board Game: "Kids of all ages will thrill to this scary board game designed to look like a real NBC graveyard! The object is to move your NBC executive game piece through the cemetery without tumbling into the grave of a crappy failed sitcom. Auugghh! Look out! It's the cast of Coupling! And Whoopi Goldberg!"

Meanwhile on the CBS gift site (store.cbs.com), they have a ridiculous number of Survivor bandanas, JAG T-shirts, and what's known as the CSI disposable camera, which takes 25 pictures embossed with tiresome sayings such as "Follow the evidence," "There is always a clue," and "Scene of the crime." It's a start, but wouldn't a better idea beÉ.

The CSI Plastic Bag of Guts and Effluvium: "Now you can bring the excitement of investigating grisly murders into your own home with this authentic plastic bag brimming with actual guts and effluvium. Each bag comes complete with at least one mutilated spleen, 'DNA' specimens, and pieces of undigested corn. Plus, if you order today, we'll have the postman vomit on you for no extra charge!"

Now everyone knows the WB is my favorite network, but even their gift site (www.thewb.com) leaves a lot to be desired! It's mostly filled with Angel DVDs, and that indie-dork music they play on Gilmore Girls and One Tree Hill. However! They do have a horny-licious 2004 calendar featuring the entire sexy Smallville gang in provocative poses. And while practically perfect, I do have one more teeny-tiny suggestionÉ.

Life-Sized Anatomically Correct Smallville Blowup Dolls: Need I say more? (By the way, "anatomically correct" means they have all the necessary ho-ho-holes.)