Jeremy Eaton
Okay, listen up, jerk-wipes! I've had it up to here with all you scientists, religious whackos, and "concerned mothers" kicking television in the nuts. Nowadays you can't swing a dead cat without hitting some new "study" claiming that television is leading America's youth into a sticky abyss of obesity, lethargia, and overall stoopidness. Well, I'm here to tell you that these "studies" are a load of diaper gravy!

Oh, suuuure. It's easy to blame television for your fat stoopid son--but other things should share the blame as well. Like marijuana! And all the DingDongs you eat after smoking marijuana! And especially those video games that are really fun to play after eating DingDongs and smoking marijuana!

Anyhoo, I think these lame-o stinkholes are missing the point. It's okay to pooh-pooh the bad things about television (I've made a career of it!), but we should also celebrate the wonderful things TV has done as well. And in this spirit--and because there's nothing interesting on TV to write about this week--I hereby present "The Greatest Television Achievements of 2003"!

GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT #1: JOE MILLIONAIRE. Oh, right. Go ahead and groan. But in a couple of years you will think back to this column and realize that Humpy was RIGHT, and the January 2003 premiere of Joe Millionaire eventually led to the ultimate downfall of all reality shows. Why? Because it introduced "the LIE." Joe Millionaire was the first of the reality game shows to be entirely based on a blatant falsehood (in this case, saying Joe was a millionaire when he wasn't). Now practically all reality shows include some kind of "twist" (AKA LIE) where the intent is to make a jackass out of the contestants. (The ultimate example being The Joe Schmo Show, in which everyone except for the patsy was an actor.) BELIEVE ME NOW: In two years, no one will dare audition for any reality show, and the entire industry will crumble! SoÉ congratulations, Joe Millionaire!

GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT #2: FRANCIE, THE EVIL CLONE. Though science has taken cloning to new and unprecedented heights in the last few years, only crazy people have put up any resistance to this new technology--that is, until Francie, the evil clone. The original Francie was superspy Sydney Bristow's sweet and lovable roomie on AliasÉ until the Covenant cloned Francie and her double went on a killing spree! Since then scientists have taken a hard look at their cloned goats and for the first time asked the question, "Hmmm. What if this cloned goat sleeps with my best friend, blows up my coworker's wife, and sets my apartment on fire while trying to murder me?" Perhaps this is a question everyone should ask.

GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT #3: GAYS EMBRACING STRAIGHT PEOPLE. Forget Will & Grace! No show has ever gone further in advancing homo/hetero relations than Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. They're like five faggy Gandhis! (Besides, if getting me to use facial moisturizer isn't a great achievement, I don't know what is!)