Jeremy Eaton
If you're like me, you've wasted thousands of company dollars chatting away at the water cooler this week. The main topic of conversation? Britney Spears' new video for "Toxic"! Oh boy, is it terrific! Of course, there are always a few grumbling hippies who refuse to get cable, and ruin everybody else's fun by making snide and jealous comments whenever Britney Spears' name is mentioned. So, rather than sending them all off to hippie death camps (WHERE THEY BELONG), I've decided to inform these ignorant souls of exactly what they're missing. How? By deconstructing Britney Spears' new "Toxic" video, SCENE by glorious SCENE. And it goes a little something like this....

ACT I: The video opens on a supersonic plane where Britney is a flight attendant, dressed in a darling Jetsons-style miniskirt that prominently features her dangling ass. She purposely spills a glass of champagne on a fat guy's lap, and erotically wipes away the puddle of pant goo (SYMBOLISM!). Is she looking for something in this fat guy's crotch? If so, she emerges empty-handed. She then beckons another fat guy, this one eating a sandwich. At first he's dubious--that is, until she twists her breasts like radio knobs. After shoving him into the can, Britney rips off the man's mask--that's right: He's not a fat guy eating a sandwich... he's a handsome supermodel spy. (I mean, C'MON! Britney making out with a fat guy eating a sandwich? Not likely; unless you count Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst.)

Britney then rubs her bottom on the supermodel spy's nuts. As it turns out, her bottom is some kind of metal detector, because after digging inside his unzipped pants, she finds a compact-sized round thingy. Claiming her prize, she struts out of the airplane bathroom, leaving the supermodel spy to ponder how he could've been so fiendishly and easily duped by Britney Spears.

ACT II: Britney has been magically transported to Paris, where she is decked out in full Alias mode: fluorescent red wig and leather bustier. After catching a ride on a crotch rocket driven by the only black supermodel to ever grace a Ralph Lauren ad, she uses exploding earrings to gain entry into a top-secret lab. There, Britney uses the compact-sized round thingy to steal some TOXIC-looking green goo (SYMBOLISM!). On her way out, she evades the lab's security beams as easily as the Nevada marriage annulment laws.

ACT III: Britney delivers a major dis to rival Christina Aguilera by disguising herself as a dark-haired slut. Climbing the building to her ex-boyfriend's penthouse, she announces her entry by cramming her tongue down his throat. Thusly lubricated, Britney proceeds to dump the aforementioned TOXIC goo down his gullet, making good her escape by leaping off the balcony. She then returns to her job as a groin-rubbing stewardess, and the ex-boyfriend gets a taste of his own TOXIC medicine. Ho! Ho! Ho! SCENE.

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? Hey, we're talking about art here. And since Britney knows a little more about art than you or me--why don't you shut up, hippie, and get back to work?